Stealing. Or is it?

During a recent shopping experience, I got to explore what I considered stealing.  I was at a big box store and I’d purchased duplicates of some items.  I wasn’t paying attention when we checked out and when I got to my car it struck me that the amount I paid couldn’t be right. My bill had been $19 but I’d purchased sixteen of one particular item. That would have been $16 right there.  So, I looked at the register tape and sure enough- she’d only charged me for one of those sixteen items.  The self conversation in that moment was fascinating.

My immediate thought was that “I need to go back in the store.”  I knew I saw her enter the 16 but only one registered.  I sat there, in my car, and just let the thoughts stream through.

“This is a big box store. It’s not like it’s an independent small store.” 

“That doesn’t matter. Taking it knowingly is stealing.” 

“Huh. I wonder where such a strong presence of right and wrong came into my life.”

“I have plenty of time to go back in there.”

“Will the cashier get in trouble if I bring it back in?  I need to make sure to mention I saw her put in the quantity”

“I wonder what they will think when I do go back in. Will they be shocked?” 

“Walking back in will give me more steps on my fitbit.”  Ha- truth. I thought that.

“What’s the lowest dollar amount I would consider walking back in for?”

There were other thoughts, I’m sure, but I was most fascinated by the ping pong and the ways in which I could have justified it if I had wanted to just drive away.  I found myself analyzing the comments. The justification (based almost in an anger) at it being a big boxed vs. independently owned store and how it would be ok if I drove away because of this fact.  I could even hear the societal conversation of “well, they are out to get us so get back at them.”

Yes, I walked back in and waited on line for almost 15 minutes. As I stood there, I DID wonder if they would reward my honesty by not charging me.  When I got to the young man behind the counter, I shared with him that I needed to pay for the 15 items. He was in training and I could tell he was thrown off so he asked the person with more experience.  Her words were “This is something you don’t see very often. Someone who is honest.”  Yes, they rang up the fifteen items. ha!

This is something you don’t see very often- someone who is honest.  Sad, right?  Imagine coming from that internal  conversation and assumption eight hours a day.  That’s a jaded space from which to live.  However, I saw a fleeting glimpse of all the conversations I had going on about going back in the store to pay for this item.  Of course this got me wondering about all the conversations I have  about all kinds of things.  You know. All those shoulds. Don’ts. Cant’s.

One piece I’m acutely aware of, though, is that the action to bring the items back in and pay for them came from a deeply ingrained conversation of right and wrong that was instilled at a very young age.  I knew the moment I realized the mistake had been made that there was NO way I was driving away.  I just had the luxury of listening to the chatter.  It made me wonder, though, about all the conversations I have that are deeply ingrained that I’m not present enough to hear.  What conversations am I missing?  My conversation about right and wrong, in my opinion, is a good one.  What conversations do I have that don’t serve me?  THAT’S the lesson within this lesson for me.  That’s what I continue to seek.

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I feel the teeth

My hips hide and store my emotions.  Not only the weight but deep down in the joints I’ve stored memories, emotions and other people’s stuff.  My first knowledge  of this was doing a yoga weekend several years ago and we were working on the hips and I felt such anger surfacing and I wanted to cry.  The yoga instructor came over to help me with a position and when he went to touch me, I felt like I was made of a thousand pieces of glass waiting to shatter.

But I ignore it.  Or I try to. Until I can’t anymore.

My hips won’t let me ignore anymore.  I hurt. I ache and the emotions are struggling to be released.  Thankfully I have ways to do this.

Yesterday, during my energy work, I shared with Sue that I wanted to release what was there.  As I laid on her table, I just started to sob.  I felt such deep grief bubble up from within me.  I had an image of a young me with boulders strapped to my back just loaded down with burdens that weren’t mine.  Divorce. Fighting parents. Being the parent as a child. A terminally ill father. Being intuitive in an unappreciative world. I was just a loaded down little kid who internalized this and stored it in my hips.

The first vision was replaced by another. I found myself placed in the softness of a burst open milk weed pod.  Yeah- you can imagine the downy softness of that pod.  I was rocking like I was in a hammock until I was enfolded in the arms of maternal love and comforted.  It was such a caring and nurturing love. I felt safe and divine.

I’d love to say that it was gone when we were done.  Instead, it was a day of releasing. Crying. Feeling like shit. It’s not done but I have something for my intellectual mind to wrap around- carrying that which isn’t mine.  It’s not the first time I’ve been told I do that.  I no longer want to be stuck with it or have it stuck in me.  Today’s work is releasing it.  I need to release or it will eat me from the inside out.  I  feel it’s teeth.

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It takes a village

I’ve been dabbling in my “knowing” connection to spirit guides for years.  I imagine it was between 15 and 18 years ago when I “found” Wendy- a psychic medium who became my connection to those who had passed.  She’s not only my connection but she’s become one of my guides and teachers on my journey.  I’ve done shamanic journeying. I became a Reiki master.  The healers I use personally are all connected to their spirits and work with them (acupuncture, massage, Reiki). I have a morning group that I’ve done accountability calls with 4 days a week for over four years.  The three folks in that group have all come into their own spirit connections over our time together.  It’s always been in all of us but our connection has brought it out of all of us. The life partner I have is trained in energy work and spirit connection.  I say this all because this week I realized that my life has been funneling me in this direction of surrounding me with people who will help me on my journey and help me decipher messages I might not get.  Here’s a recent example.

Two weeks ago I went to a Zulu Shamanic umbilini ceremony put together by my acupuncturist. It deserves a post all its own but that will come.  I was sharing this experience with my morning group and one of the members said “You now have a new animal spirit guide.  You need to meditate to connect. ”   I didn’t. I resist mediation.

This past Tuesday night I had an incredibly vivid dream that included a whole cast of people and events.  In one portion, however, I was hiding in a tree house that was only accessible by ladder.  I was in a huge bed and my sister was there and we were talking about how I would be able to escape my current situation.  Then I see the trunk of an elephant feeling around the floor of the entrance to the tree house. Through the entrance walks the elephant and it climbs into bed with me. I wrap my arms around it and as the elephant and I are both smiling broadly I say to my sister “take a picture!”  When I awoke from this dream, I remembered a ton of it but the elephant was the part that I felt was important. I’d planned to consult my dream interpretation book before I’d gone off for an appointment with my health kinesiologist.   but I didn’t have the time.

I got to Sue’s office agitated and incredibly emotional.  It was the 37th anniversary of my father’s death and I’m still grieving. (again, another post).  We did our work and as we were finishing I told her about the dream I tried to tie the elephant into the “memory” of my father.  Sue said “hmmm” as she whipped out her iPad and looked up Ganesha and shared with me about this Hindu deity.  He is the Lord of success and destroyer of evils and spiritual obstacles. He is also worshiped as the god of education, knowledge, wisdom and wealth. That morning we’d been working on some emotional obstacles.   In that moment, I got that THIS was the “animal” spirit connection I’d been told about. The one I was supposed to mediate to find.  Did I mention that Wendy, the medium, told me that my spirit guides were giving me dream messages because I wasn’t paying them mind during the day.

If you are following this? It’s like it takes  a village to raise my spiritual levels. This morning I meditated to Ganesha.  I immediately started to smell a sweet incense like aroma.  As I tried to focus on meditating, the smell wouldn’t leave. I smelled the blanket I had on me, my hands etc.  Nothing had that smell.  I rested my head again and it came to me that this was the smell I’d get when  Genesha was with me. I asked for confirmation that this was so. I got it and the smell disappeared.   It sure does take a village.

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I’m back

Two years.  It’s been two years since I’ve posted my words and thoughts and feelings.  It’s time to be back.

Life has changed in this time. I’ve come to another level of understanding of who I am; a healer. In finding my truth, I found space to let in love and a wonderful man.  Both of these have driven up opportunities for growth and healing.  Now I’m ready to share again and move to the next level. This blogging (or public journaling) has given me a way to heal even more and in healing me I heal those who read and follow.

When I look at the last two years, I see I’ve been filling my cup. I’ve done a variety of spiritual healings,  I’ve been working with crystals and cards and I’ve been tuning into the spirit world and my connections.  Yup. I’ve also been aware that I’m the same weight- or even a bit more.  So that journey is still there- no fear for those who had been following that onion peeling operation.  It’s just that I’m called for something more. In fact, as I was typing that sentence – I’m the same weight sentence- I heard a very loud chirping of a bird at my feeder right outside my door.  I turned to look and it was a sparrow and I heard “yup- that’s a common issue for many but you have something deeper to share”.

Yes, I’ve been tuning into those types of messages. I’ve been tuning into the messages of spirit world.  (I will say I often ignore the ones that come when I’m rooting through the cabinets for something to eat and I hear something drop in the kitchen or I fumble with something that suddenly gets slippery.  I don’t like THOSE messages.)  However, the message has been clear. It’s time for me to be back.  So here I am.  Let’s see what starts to unfold.

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Can’t VS. Don’t

Dinner at my mothers.  Need I say more?  That’s surely a way to kick up 48 years of conversation about food and this one didn’t fail to deliver.  About a month ago, I’d shared with my mother that I had not been eating dairy, gluten, sugar blah blah blah.   As we were waiting for the rest of the family to join us she said “so you can’t have wine then because it has sugar.”.  It was the second or third thing that she’d mentioned that I “couldn’t” have.  My response was that I could have wine and that it wasn’t that I couldn’t have any of the things I wasn’t eating it was that I was choosing not to eat them.  “That’s right. I have to be careful what I say to you.”   Ting… I felt the energy zip through my body on that one!  I took a deep breath.  “No, it’s not what you say. It’s what I say. If I tell my body it can’t have something, my body says “EF YOU!” and I run off into my restriction conversation.”   The conversation was left there because there was so much more to say but for the moment that was all I needed to say.

It’s had me thinking lately, though.  Can’t vs. don’t.  No choice vs. choice.  That word differentiation is so powerful!  I do have a choice each day,  each and every meal, each bite and in each moment.  I get to choose what I eat.

I have family members who don’t eat meat by choice.  I don’t remember the conversation about Thanksgiving dinner being “you can’t eat the turkey”.   What’s said is “you don’t eat the turkey”. Maybe can’t is used and I just don’t pay it mind because it’s not about my choice but I really don’t think so.  This 10 second conversation has created a hyper vigilance in my listening lately.  I find myself listening to see when people use the words “can’t” and “don’t”.  When do I use them?  When do I exert my power in choice vs. my submission to no choice.  Will I find myself more empowered as I gain facility around my word choices?  Is it just the word choices or the emotions attached to the words or the baggage attached to the speaker of  the words or is it D- all of the above?

What are you buzz words?  What words bring  you down the rabbit hole?  I’m not necessarily looking for an answer but giving you something to think about.

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My quiet mind

I’m 48 and reaching the 49 year mark.  I have no memories of my mind being quiet about food.  In fact, I don’t know if it ever has been.  My life and relationship to food has always been about what to eat, when to eat, when my next meal would be, if I should eat it, if I would be judged for eating it, if it was on my “plan”, if it was too much, the right thing- you get the picture.

If you’ve read my other entries, you know I’ve done a lot of healing in the past year and most of it has been in the realm of energy healing.  Six weeks ago, I went to see a Health Kinesiologist/ Energy healer to check my body for food sensitivity and allergies.  I heard what I surely didn’t want to hear.  I was sensitive to gluten, gluten free flours, sugar, chocolate, soy, corn, almonds, cashews, peanuts and dairy.  Yeah, I know what you are thinking. “What’s left?”.  That’s what I’ve been hearing from others for the last 6 weeks as I’ve taken this journey.

I left Sue’s office saying to her “I’ll see what I can do.”  Little did I know what I’d do is go cold turkey for the most part.  I had two days of grieving- and I mean crying and during that time obsession over what I could eat and couldn’t eat.  (That’s the old paradigm for me with a food plan. It’s the way I always operated with a “diet” or “food plan”.)  Then peace settled in at an amazing pace.  Sue had not only shared with me what to eliminate but she’d also done some energy balancing to support the new food choices.

I have never and I mean NEVER had such peace around food.  I actually spend time thinking about other things in my life rather than thinking about food.  I’m still in shock with the silence I have in my brain.  For those who have never experienced addiction or compulsion, you have NO idea what it’s like to have a constant stream of conversation about the substance of choice.  (especially if it’s one you need to live)  I never understood what it meant to have a silent mind about food.  I couldn’t understand people who said “well, just don’t eat it.”  Now, I understand. Now I’ve been in  that silence. Boy, does that silence sound amazing.  I sit here with tears welling up as I revel in this peace.  I always felt I was in a battle and now I know how much I was steeped in it.  It’s no wonder I can breathe deeper than I’ve ever been able to breathe before.

I’m sure you are wondering how can I reach this energy healer?  She does distance work as well as personal visits in her office in Lake Katrine.  No, I don’t get kick backs for referring her. I just feel as though I have to share her with you because to keep it to myself would be selfish and I have more peace in my life with food than I ever have- and that says a lot for 48 years.  I hope  you gain even a portion of the peace I’ve experienced.

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Birthing a new life

It’s been a little over nine months since I posted last.  That’s actually enough time to conceive and bear a child and I feel like I’ve birthed a new life in that time.  This blog started out about my journey with compulsive over eating and it still is about that.  However, I’ve come to realize that the journey with my compulsive behavior is actually a spiritual journey.

In the year thus far, I’ve done so many things on this path and the few that come to mind are meditation, Reiki, grand healings, cranial sacral massage, past life work, yoga, Monay-Ki, acupuncture, aura analysis, crystal bowl healing, ohm meditation and I’ve worked with a medium, health kinesiologist, soul astrologist and my growth partner.  It’s no wonder I feel as though I’ve birthed a new life.  (PS- let me just say I have always had an amazing life and for ME, it’s always been about the next level or layer.)

About two months ago, I shared with my growth partner that I’d become aware that I had a lot on this earth to do and it was important that I have the health to do it.  I believe my words were heard by the universe because major shifts started happening at that point.  Because there are so many things that have occurred, I can’t give them due justice in one post.  I’m writing this one to bridge the gap from “Journey of a Compulsive over eater” to the “Spiritual path of a compulsive over eater”  I haven’t yet decided if I’ll rename my blog.  I’m playing with it all.  I just know that I’ve been missing my writing and I know it’s also part of the journey.  I have moments of clarity when I put my words out in the world.  In fact, I hadn’t even thought of renaming my blog until I was writing this.  Let this newest life begin!

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