Extending opinions

When I fly, I automatically ask for a seat belt extender.  I’d rather ask when I enter the plane than ask when I’m seated.  When I had my lap band surgery years ago, I remember sitting in the seat with tears in my eyes because I didn’t have to ask for one but now I do.  Anyways.

I was flying last week and I asked for one as I walked on the plane.  I’d also paid for the economy plus with the hope that the extra leg room would mean I’d be more comfortable if the person in front of me decided to push his or her seat back.  Yes.  There’s a lot of thought given to flying as a person of size.  But that’s not what this blog is about.

seat belt

I sat in the seat and the seat belt fit without the extender. (Let me just add that four days earlier, on the flight out, I’d needed the extender.)  As the flight attendant came by, I gave her the extender.  She said “Are you sure?”

“Mmm hmmm”,  I said.

“Would you like to keep it to be more comfortable?”  As I looked at her from the window seat, I answered across my two seat mates “I’m good.”  I thought to myself.  Really? What person in his or her right mind would choose to be more uncomfortable with a tight seat belt.  More importantly, the person inside of me that doesn’t want that attention was thinking- “can you just shut up and move on?”

As we deplaned, she said to me “Wasn’t that good?”  I must have had a puzzled look as I walked by because as to my back she said “That’s great. You lost some.”   Did you just gasp?  When she said it I just shook my head and thought, wow.

I’m guessing she thought she was giving a compliment.  What I wanted to say is “four days ago, the seat belt didn’t fit.  It didn’t fit because they are different sizes in different planes.”  I found myself a bit perplexed as to why she felt it was OK to comment like we were besties.  To call out in front of all that were around that I must be happy that I lost weight.  But you know what?  That’s where it ended.  What astonished me is that I didn’t find myself in the cycle of “Yvette bashing”.  I got that it was her thing- whatever that thing was.

It excites me when I see growth.  It excites me when I don’t take other people’s stuff on as my own.  I revel in the little steps because it’s the little steps in this journey that make a big difference.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sexual abuse across lifetimes

THWACK!  I heard and felt it as my fist smacked against the headboard and I woke out of my dream.

I’m not sure why I was in this closet like enclosure changing into a swimsuit but I was there.  I can see the wood. I can feel the enclosure.  I was large in a smaller space.  It was like a workshop.  The kind where you see nuts, bolts and tools strewn about on the roughly hewn work station.

I heard male voices outside and found myself looking around the door frame for hooks to hang a sheet so even if they opened the door, I could hang a sheet for privacy.  I saw those hooks- the old time ones that look like the corner of a square.  They were at the top of the frame but well within reach because I was big in this small place.

The door opened and there was an older, stocky, white man with hair shaved close to his head. It was the type of cut that happens when hair is being lost.  He opened the door as if he had a right to watch me change- to catch me naked.  I pulled the door shut and said something like “hey- don’t do that again”.  I see the hooks again to hang another barrier.  I’m changing and I hear another approach to the door. It opens and he’s got another, younger man with him.  The older guy grabs the towel that’s around me and I simultaneously spin as the towel comes off and stand still facing forward.  The younger, sandy, curly haired man who reminds me of the doofy faced farmers Hollywood portrays, is staring at me as though he’s never seen breasts before.

I hear my voice saying “wait until I tell… (but I don’t hear who I’m going to tell)” and I reach out to punch the older guy only to awaken myself and my partner, Walter, when my fist hits the headboard.

I’m stunned. I’m shaken. I feel violated yet again in a dream. This is not the first dream I’ve had where I was being sexualized.  About 9 months ago, I woke up to the taste of blood in my mouth because I’d bitten one of the two men attacking me.  I’m pretty sure that was a past life experience. The details of being in a petticoat and them being cowboys was just too vivid and the copper taste of blood too real for it not to be.  Four or five years ago, I woke up out of a nightmare knowing who was sexually inappropriate with me when I was young.  Two weeks ago  I saw the family and the face of the man who was  sexually inappropriate with me in a dream and was aware that I was dodging the abuser in the dream.  The abuser’s father was holding me and telling me he’d protect me.  I wonder if he did when I was younger. Did he know and protect me from additional abuse?

These dreams lead me to believe there are things that are starting to heal.  I find myself drawn to spleen chakra healing and crystals.   As I shared this dream with Walter- since I woke him up.  He said “it’s a good sign that you were so big in the dream and that you fought back”.  Yeah. It was.

I wonder, though, in how many lives was I sexually abused?  I know I have a very deep seated conversation that if I’m thin, I’ll be raped.  I don’t even remember when I discovered that conversation.  Let’s face it- if that’s a conversation running in my background, why would I lose weight?   I really do love this personal journey I find myself taking.  It’s like unraveling a ball of yarn.  I do hit knots that take time to undo.  I think this sexual abuse knot is being undone.  It’s at its own pace though.


Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Merging my lives

I’m in my 23rd year with Pampered Chef- a home party/ direct sales company.  I’m three years into my Reiki journey.  The call is getting louder and louder for me to do more with Reiki and to figure out how to merge my lives and build this second business.  I’ve spent time recently in the emotion of realizing my identity has been wrapped up in being a consultant with PC all this time.  It has defined so much of what I’ve done and where I’ve gone over two decades.  Then another healer in my life asked me to consider putting that experience together with energy healing.   And excitement ensued!

the path

My friend, who is an oracle and angel communicator, had a vision of a group of healers coming together as someone hosts an event where his/her friends get to experience different healings.  We brainstormed and have a vision of a handful or so of healers (oracle and angel communicator, reiki, medium, acupuncturist, energy worker, aromatherapist, psychic etc) going into someone’s home or event and offering shorter services for those in attendance.  Each person in attendance would pay a set fee and get to experience some or all of the modalities. We also see an opportunity to journal and do some other things during any down time.  The person who hosts this healing event will get the opportunity to earn discounted and free sessions with the healers in attendance.

For now, we are a two woman event as we vet and work with others who might be interested and hammer out our details.  Our vision includes helping others expand their beliefs and knowledge about healing, helping others experience new modalities of healing, and the overall desire is to help others heal and raise the vibration of good.

If you have any interest in this type of event and want it in person, we are in the Hudson Valley.  The beauty of what we do is that it can be done long distance.  Energy and communication with spirits and angels can be done anywhere and sent anywhere.  Please feel free to direct any questions to healingwithyvette@gmail.com


Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Demons resurface

Recently I had an opportunity to spend a couple of days around a family and a young girl who was larger than other girls her age.  I travelled down a not so fun memory lane.

As we went through the days, it was apparent that she liked her junk food, soda and eating in general.  I found myself observing this and really being taken by what was happening.  As the only child in the situation she was bored out of her skull and eating was something she was doing to deal with that.  There were also many other things I observed and heard and learned that made it clear to me that she was eating for love.

There were many times her eating was being controlled.  What was triggering for me were the words I heard spoken to her.  You know what- it wasn’t the words, it was the tone in which they were spoken that went deep.  At one point I heard “No.  You don’t need that.”  I know. Innocuous words, right?  But that judgmental tone in which they were spoken was what went in and hooked every memory I had of the judgmental tones I heard when I was younger.  When I was using food because my world was so tumultuous and I needed some grounding and a way to comfort myself.  Oh. And these words, spoken to the child were from someone she’d just met within the week who, I could tell, felt she was going to “fix” the situation while she was there.

I know. Adults share their words of wisdom with kids thinking it will help.  What they don’t realize is there are deeper reasons for the eating.  I mean, really. What child wants to be larger than his or her peers and left out of activities, picked last in gym and feel awkward a lot of times with how clothes fit and how they are treated.  Not many, I imagine.

As I spent time with this child, I looked at her and just wanted to transfer what I’ve learned to her through osmosis but I didn’t know how to do that.  Because, God knows, I would have done it.  I tear up as I write this.  As she and I played cards, she kept going to a bag of nuts to get more to eat. I wanted to say to her “I’m curious, is it your stomach or mouth that’s hungry right now?”  But I didn’t.  I couldn’t rationalize being yet another adult who she might feel was judging her.  I struggled to find the words and be the one who could help but I felt helpless. I imagine part of that was because my inner little girl was crying and hurting and feeling as though a scab had been yanked off.   That voice. That judging adult voice who had no clue that all I wanted to was to be held and told I was loved and I was worthy.

So I did what I could in that situation- played some cards with her and did some games to give her some attention that she craved and show her some love and value.  Can I just say there are some times when it sucks to be empathic and emotive and to feel deeply what others feel- or what I imagine they feel. I sit here crying as I write this. I cry for her. I cry for me. I cry for all who just want(ed) something and didn’t get it so fed it with food.  May we all heal and help heal one another.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Anxiety and Control

Anxiety.  I honestly didn’t realize that I got anxious about things until it came up during one of my energy healing sessions.  The practitioner checked with my body and the message was I needed to look at “being with anxiety”. Huh?

Since that appointment two weeks ago, I’ve begun to notice some of the things I do in order to defer, deflect and delay anxiety. It’s as if the appointment opened me up to a blind spot.  I struggle being with anxiety so I do what I can to make sure it doesn’t happen or I dull it while it’s occurring.

I’m in a relationship where we relate differently to time.  I need to be on time- if not early for things.  I calendar, plan and consider possible delays and challenges so that I’m prepared for all situations that I can consider.  Walter lives in the moment and is often up against a clock and maybe makes things on time.  (I honestly almost left from our first date because he wasn’t going to be on time.)  Recently I was waiting on him so we could leave to go somewhere we’d agreed to be.  I was really present to the anxiety in my body. It was high. I could feel the buzzing. I could feel the tightening in my chest.  My breathing was shallow.  I stood there and thought “wow!”  I’m in the middle of this right now.  Because I noticed, I was able to slow it down, calm it down and be present.

Just yesterday I was in a situation with a lot of new people.  After I finished lunch, I looked and realized how fast I’d eaten.  There was no savoring and very little taste.  I checked in and noticed it was covering the anxiety.  There were a lot of unknowns and things going on at this gathering and I was placating and reigning in my anxiety with my go to soothing agent, food.  It didn’t work and I didn’t feel satiated because I hadn’t enjoyed the meal.

The care taking I do of others is also often rooted in the anxiety or to placate it.  It comes across as care taking of others but sometimes it’s me getting out in front of potentially anxious situations.   If I do something and get it done, then I don’t have to be present for the angst of the other person in not having something done.  It is a form of- wait for it- control!  Yeah, that word! Then the next ah ha was that control is a false sense of grounding myself.  So, as you can see, it’s a merry go round.

merry go round

In order to delay a potentially anxious situation, I take care of something (control it). I think that grounds me.  Underneath there’s still an anxiety because it’s a false sense of grounding.  Then I do something- like eat- to placate that anxiety.  I’ve been practicing being with anxiety in the past weeks.  Ok, I’ve been practicing when I notice it and can get in front of it.  I find myself just noticing what’s going on in my body, breathing, and checking in again.  I’m guessing it gets better with time because now, I just don’t like the feeling and staying with the feeling rather than placating it.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Proving It

I’ve always been one to express my love through cooking. If you leave my house hungry, it’s your own darn fault.  When I was younger, I read cook books like some people read romance novels.  Then, with the internet, recipe searching on line became my way of doing things.  Now, I find myself recording and watching current and older episodes of Chopped.  I love that show.  A box of mystery ingredients and a set time to figure it out.  Each competitor gives a reason for why they are there.  What struck me is that a percentage are there to prove to others they made the right decision when they chose to become a chef.

love cooking

Often at least one of the four competitors is on the show to prove to the world, parents, family, or some “other” that they can cook and have made a wise life choice to be in the kitchen.  I was struck by this today when I was watching a recording.

Why is it that we seek endorsement by others? All. The. Time.  Ok, maybe YOU don’t but a great majority of our culture does.  Why else would we have a cultural norm to “keep up with the Joneses” Because keeping up is a way of validating who we are and confirming that we are ok and it allows us to perpetuate a cycle of being endorsed by others.  Round and round we go collecting okays from all but the most important person; ourselves.

I know I’m also wrapped up in this.  My ego is stroked by others and acknowledgement from others.  But it’s a short lived high.  And it IS like a high because it dissipates and I need another hit- another accolade- another compliment. There are things that I do and I know I do well and I can compliment myself and be clear in my knowing.  It’s in this knowing that I find peace. It’s in this knowing that I don’t need others to compliment or laud me. I wish to find myself in this state of knowing, more, however.

I’m currently working on building my Reiki business alongside a well established 22 year business as a Pampered Chef consultant, leader and trainer.  I find myself challenged by the lack of “knowing” how this looks.  There is also this “proving” thing rearing its head.  I can feel it which is why I believe I was struck again today by the contestant’s comment about needing to prove himself.  It’s not that I need to prove I can do Reiki. It’s more that I need to prove I can build a business with it.  I can’t yet picture how this will go.  I know the fog will lift when it’s time.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Journey to Reiki Teacher

I took all three levels of Reiki to be attuned with the symbols. I did NOT take master level to be able to teach.  In fact, when I took Reiki 3, I said “I’m not going to teach.”.  (Mind you- I have a Masters degree in education and I’m a teacher by nature.)

In November of 2016, someone reached out to me and asked me to teach her Reiki.  My response was that we could get together and talk about it and see.  We got together and I said “I’ll get back to you.”  Then I began the process of ruminating.  I really, truly felt that I wouldn’t be a good teacher. I felt I didn’t know enough.   I was steeped in self doubt and it pissed off the people in my life who know me and know my healing abilities.  They were pretty exasperated with my doubt and all the excuses I gave to why I couldn’t teach.  It was humbling to have those around me believe in me so much more than I believed in myself at that time.  We had many conversations during this time as they chipped away at my resistance.  It percolated for months.

Then in January my partner, Walter, and I went to dinner with friends and got talking about energy work and one of the women there said “I want to learn Reiki. Do you know where I can learn?”  I wanted to pretend I didn’t hear it but Walter looked right at me and I had to respond that I had been asked by someone else and was “looking” at putting together a class. I would keep her posted.  Again, rounds of self doubt.  Why me?   And I knew why me. It’s my path and journey to teach and I’m a powerful healer and this is the next step AND I grapple with wanting to be responsible for this calling.  Then came the tipping point.

At the end of March. I was driving to a wake and my phone rang.  Someone I don’t know called and said “I got your name from Trista she said you teach Reiki”.  Ha.. I’d been outed by one of my support people that was calling my bluff and just telling people that she knew the perfect Reiki teacher for them.   In that conversation, as I drove to the wake, it was clear; I was meant to teach. The conversation I had with this woman about her journey and her daughter’s journey and their desire for Reiki, showed me that I WAS ready to teach.  The conversation flowed. I allowed for my vulnerability of not knowing how the class would go because it was my first one.  I did tell her I would get back to her though. Although this time it was because I needed to pick dates and check in with the other two woman who had asked me to teach them.

Sunday, I start my first class.  There are three students.  The woman and daughter who were “the last straw” are not able to make it but I’m clear her part in this whole journey was to push me over the edge.  I’m excited beyond measure. I’m super clear that the folks that are in my first class are perfect for the first class and I’m perfect for them.  I have run into road blocks and stumbled over manuals and things that I need.  However, my spiritual guides have put people, places and things in my path to help me create a robust and glorious experience for these folks.  (Well, in my head it will be and I’m clear it will all be perfect however it happens.)

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment