Dreams and nightmares

One of my growth partners along the way told me that dreams are unopened letters if we don’t listen to them.  Part of this spiritual journey has opened me up to more vivid dreams. When I say vivid, I mean colorful, full, robust dreams- that are beautiful, fun or frightening.  Last night’s was one filled with fright. It was asking me to take a look at something.  I write to solidify the dream and experience and lesson.

parking garage

I pulled into a parking garage with two leaders in my Direct sales team.  One was driving (Laura), one was in the passenger seat (Paula) and I was in the back seat.  As we pulled in, I heard ominous music and sensed some negativity. I saw a large, tall shadow lurking.  We pulled up past where my car was and I was attempting to get Paula out and going so we could get both of us to our cars.   Laura just kept rambling on about something until I said something about the trouble we were in and we needed to go NOW!

Paula and I walked to my car and as we did I saw two people walking down the steps. They appeared to be dressed in high school cheerleading outfits.  She was in a yellow checkered skirt (just got it looked like a flag in a race) and he was in a typical cheerleading gym suit.  There was that sense of fear when I first saw them but then a relief when I saw what they were wearing- as if there was no danger there.  Then I heard the music again and was aware of a tall dark shadow moving in our direction.  I hurried Paula to my car, opened the door and she crawled across the seat to the passenger’s side.  Just as I was about to get in, the tall man- he became a man by this point- had caught up to me.  I was able to get into the car but my hand was shaking and I wasn’t able to get the key in the ignition and the door wasn’t closed yet.

As I was trying to insert the key, he was reaching across and taking the key out.  I fought him and tried again as my hand shook.  He was simultaneously fighting my hand and standing up looking at my car decal saying.  “OH- so you must be Yvette. Chef Yvette?  (and the voice was a sneering, snide voice).  And what makes YOU think you are so good? Who do you think you are?”  Then I was able to get my key in the ignition but the car would go no where and he pulled me out of the car.  As I was being pulled out, I managed to get out of the dream and found myself gasping for breath from the fear.

I asked my partner to come to bed and just hold me to ground me back in this world.  I laid there crying telling him about this fear filled dream of darkness. I was trying to process the what, the why, the meaning.  It was fresh in my brain.   I was talking about an experience I’d had earlier in the day that reminded me of high school (the cheerleaders in the dream) and thinking it had to do with that.  Then he said “Can I share what I got? (He’s also very intuitive.)  Why are you afraid of being big?  I don’t mean physically big.  Like, big in success.  What is in your way?  I think you should draw some cards tomorrow to get some clarity.”

It made sense. I’d just shared with my leader team several hours earlier (two of whom were in the dream) that I wanted us to go to the next level as an organization.  I’d shared what I needed to do for that and what we needed as a team.  It’s big and bold and puts me back on the map.  Yeah. That made sense.

Ahhh now I know why  I’m blogging this. As I’m writing though, the other piece revealing itself is that I’ve been doing work these past weeks to create a website and build my reiki business. I’m a healer and it’s part of why I’m here on this earth.  And that I do really question “Who do you think you are?” I share a bit about it in this blog post.   A Little Birdie Told Me     Now let me share with you the cards I drew and see where they fit.

I have many decks. The one deck I chose was the Surrender and Release deck by Doreen Virtue. There were three that decided they wanted to be shown.

  1. Surrender to Passion: Get out of your head and feel the fire in your belly.  Focus on the people or activities that ignite your passion, and let it flow.
  2. Surrender to Play: Take a break from overthinking a goal. Do something fun. Play is a time of recreation and rejuvenation.
  3. Surrender to What-is: Flow with what-is instead of fighting it. When you can’t change a situation, compassionately accepting it exactly as it is will bring you peace.

My reality is that these cards fit both situations.  I’ve been hesitant to be bold, go forward and live with gusto in both of the arenas.  I’m been hunkered down (like hidden in a garage below ground).  I have cheerleaders in my life in both arenas who are supporting me in moving forward.  Now that this voice- this fear- has been brought out I can shed light on it, thank it for sharing and move into the passion.  I can feel the fire in my belly and I can surrender to what-is.  I guess we’ll see how that goes in future posts. It’s a journey so I’m sure it’ll have many hidden wonders.

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The Ask

Life is about communication, isn’t it?  Whether we are the giver or the receiver OR both how we communicate matters.  I had a recent experience where I really got to see this in action.  For some of you who have been in relationships and marriages forever- or for a long time- this might seem obvious or, perhaps, it might have you think about how you ask.

I approached my partner, Walter, with something I wanted to do that would impact him- have guests in for three days.  Not just any guests but some guests that I collaborate with  and that I’ve been working with for about four years. We speak four mornings a week and encourage each other toward our goals and all of us have come into our own with energy work. Needless to say they are a special group.  We get together once a year because we are geographically hundreds of miles away. I wanted to host this year.

This gathering is quite sacred.  We talk, laugh, and do energy healings for one another.  I knew how the weekend would work. I knew how we and I would take care of Walter so he felt included and he wouldn’t feel like an outsider in our house.  I knew it and it was all in my head.  In my head was where it stayed when I approached Walter with the “ask”.  Is it any surprise that there wasn’t an opened armed “YES!”?  I was taken aback that he wasn’t an automatic okay.  Funny, right?  We left it that he would think about it.

Yes, I did stew.  I didn’t understand his hesitancy because I could see it clearly. I knew the impact would be minimal knowing what I know about how the group works and how our house works.  It struck me the next day that what I hadn’t communicated was how it would look and how he would be taken care of so he didn’t feel like a prisoner in his own home. Yes, yes. I tried that when I was defending it but I didn’t do it when I had asked. Then I had the ah ha that I would ask for a do over.

The next night at dinner, I said “I’d like to try something again” as I went into my request with him in mind.  When I was done, I asked if that felt better to him.  Of course it did because I’d done it in a way that honored him. I’d communicated in a way that honored him and our relationship.  That’s the purpose of sharing this story.  Where is it that we don’t honor the relationship when we communicate?  Where don’t we honor ourselves when we communicate with ourselves? We often hear “You wouldn’t talk to another person like you talk to yourself.”  However, we don’t heed that, do we?  So, this communication with Walter had me take a look at how I communicate with myself and others.  Where do I need to honor myself more and how do I do that and how can I do that with others as well.

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A Little Birdie Told Me

I stepped outside and saw a bird, barely alive, on the sidewalk and then I remembered the clunk I heard of a bird hitting the window.  It sat there with its bill firmly planted on the sidewalk and its eyes closed. It’s tail barely moving to show it was breathing.

I looked down at that bird and the first thought that came in is “Let me do some reiki on this bird”  Then a louder thought came in “Come on. Who do you think you are believing you can do something here.”.  Oh. Hello saboteur voice.  I know you well. This time, however, I’m going to go on in spite of you.

I stood there looking at the bird with so many voices in my head.  Ok. There were two. The voice that was calling in my partners in healing and the voice that was saying “This is crazy. This is silly. What if… what if”

I began sending reiki to this tiny wren and I heard a voice say “WHOA!  Back off- that’s a lot!”  In all fairness, in my intentionality and in the wanting to override the saboteur, I was like a grunting weight lifter giving it my all.  So, I backed off and settled into myself and just being the conduit rather than having to be “the one”.  Within a minute, I again heard a voice that said, “That’s enough. Thank you.” and so I went inside.

I checked a minute later and the bird was still there.  My questioning voices started.  I checked again in a minute or two and lo and behold it was sitting with its beak up and eyes open.  I checked a few minutes later and it had flown away.

I’m thankful that I decided not to listen to the negative voices because there were many beyond what I’ve shared here.  I’m thankful that I was able to help heal this bird but most of all, I’m thankful for being given this opportunity to override the voices who stand in my way.  Each time I do that strengthens the healer that I am in this world.

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Just Ask

It seems as though I take one step forward and two steps back.  I’d prefer it be two forward and one back. At least then I’d be making progress.  Maybe I am doing the latter.  I can’t tell sometimes.

Intellectually I know that eating cleaner and losing the processed and white foods will clear my connection to the spirit world and my “dual citizenship” of which I’ve written before.  I think I had one month in my life when I was clean from all of those things but I wasn’t actively working to connect spiritually so I don’t know if it  had an impact.

So I dabble. I dabble with the gluten free- which my body has requested via one of the energy healers in my life.  The sugar- not happening yet.  I go gluten free for a few weeks and even up to a month and then relapse.  What I noticed last week was a relapse after my experience of being in two places at one time.

I have a habit of making headway and then sabotaging myself.  Being able to be present to what was happening in my current world and also seeing a whole vision of healing happening before my very eyes simultaneously was awe inspiring and brought me to a new level of ability.  However, I seem to experience this and then have to even it all out by using food to bring me back to center.  This isn’t an uncommon occurrence for me.

Good things happen and I eat because the vibration of good is too uncomfortable.  I need the other shoe to drop. Things I deem as bad happen and I eat because food is a comforting friend- or that’s the role I’ve assigned it anyway.  I’ve yet to be able to untie the role of food in my life.  I do wonder, though, can it be as simple as my dual citizenship experience?  I was saying to a friend that when I was told by my mentor it was time for me to be present to spirit while I was doing every day tasks, I thought “What do I need to do?  How DO I do this?  How do I start?”   Then the day I did it, all I did was ask.  I asked spirit to join me and do the healing.  And it was done.

Maybe all I need to do is ask to be disconnected from my reliance on food for comfort, stability, friendship, love.  That might be all I have to do but I feel the resistance even as I type this.  As we say in my direct sales business, “Your why has to be bigger than your why not”  It appears my why not is bigger right now.  When I worked in the drug rehabs  the statement was “Fake it ’til  you make it.”   Faking it doesn’t feel like it will work though.  What seems more plausible is asking for not only the release from the ties that bind me to food but something to replace and sooth me like the food currently does. I don’t feel lit up by this but that doesn’t surprise me.  I’m almost 51 and food has been so much for me for as many years.  I like to come to conclusions when I write my posts but I’m not sure I have one this time.  I will do the asking, though, and see what comes of it.




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Dual Citizenship

This journey of putting down my fork and picking up my life has been more of a spiritual discovery than a physical one. It’s morphed into my journey into my dual citizenship of the physical and spiritual worlds.  This journey has lead me to a recent experience I want to share.

I’ve been coached by Wendy, my friend and mentor- and medium-, to practice being in the spirit world and connecting while going about every day life.  This week I took that on for the first time and was blown away by two experiences.

The first was when a friend reached out and asked me to send some energy to her son who was having some challenges.  As I was driving, I decided to practice this dual connection.  It was breathtakingly amazing.  As I was fully aware of the road (and I know I was because I can tell you exactly where I was driving as this happened. It was as if my awareness was heightened.) I saw him (We will call him Martin)  sitting on a bed.  His head was in his hands and he was crying.  All of the sudden Ganesh/ Ganesa (who has come into my healing arena recently) hopped up on the bed with him, feet swinging like a kid, and started stroking Martin’s head with his trunk to comfort him.  As he was being comforted he opened his hand to show a skeleton key and he said “I don’t know what to do with this.”    I will stop this story here to keep some anonymity but suffice it to say as the scene faded away I thought “holy crap!  THAT was super cool!”  Once upon a time I would have second guessed that experience.  Instead, I owned what I’d just done and experienced.

It happened a second time this week when I was in conversation with someone about her potential depression.  As we sat there talking , I mindfully called in the mothers, the nurturers and the healers.  Suddenly I had white clothed women holding hands with me on both sides as we surrounded my friend.  I could hear the radio in the background but I could see these women.  Out of the group came a beautifully garbed African woman with glowing ebony skin.  A ceremonial fire appeared and drumming started.  All the while, I hear the radio in the background. The drumming reached a fevered pitch and stopped. The fire was now ash and they all faded.  This lasted about a minute and it was like watching a movie on 4X.   Again, I was blown away by this experience of being in two places at one time while healing was happening.

As I write this, it feels like I give elementary language to a post doctorate experience.  I can’t quite find the words to share these dual citizenship experiences.  Keep coming back. I’m sure more will happen.

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Stealing. Or is it?

During a recent shopping experience, I got to explore what I considered stealing.  I was at a big box store and I’d purchased duplicates of some items.  I wasn’t paying attention when we checked out and when I got to my car it struck me that the amount I paid couldn’t be right. My bill had been $19 but I’d purchased sixteen of one particular item. That would have been $16 right there.  So, I looked at the register tape and sure enough- she’d only charged me for one of those sixteen items.  The self conversation in that moment was fascinating.

My immediate thought was that “I need to go back in the store.”  I knew I saw her enter the 16 but only one registered.  I sat there, in my car, and just let the thoughts stream through.

“This is a big box store. It’s not like it’s an independent small store.” 

“That doesn’t matter. Taking it knowingly is stealing.” 

“Huh. I wonder where such a strong presence of right and wrong came into my life.”

“I have plenty of time to go back in there.”

“Will the cashier get in trouble if I bring it back in?  I need to make sure to mention I saw her put in the quantity”

“I wonder what they will think when I do go back in. Will they be shocked?” 

“Walking back in will give me more steps on my fitbit.”  Ha- truth. I thought that.

“What’s the lowest dollar amount I would consider walking back in for?”

There were other thoughts, I’m sure, but I was most fascinated by the ping pong and the ways in which I could have justified it if I had wanted to just drive away.  I found myself analyzing the comments. The justification (based almost in an anger) at it being a big boxed vs. independently owned store and how it would be ok if I drove away because of this fact.  I could even hear the societal conversation of “well, they are out to get us so get back at them.”

Yes, I walked back in and waited on line for almost 15 minutes. As I stood there, I DID wonder if they would reward my honesty by not charging me.  When I got to the young man behind the counter, I shared with him that I needed to pay for the 15 items. He was in training and I could tell he was thrown off so he asked the person with more experience.  Her words were “This is something you don’t see very often. Someone who is honest.”  Yes, they rang up the fifteen items. ha!

This is something you don’t see very often- someone who is honest.  Sad, right?  Imagine coming from that internal  conversation and assumption eight hours a day.  That’s a jaded space from which to live.  However, I saw a fleeting glimpse of all the conversations I had going on about going back in the store to pay for this item.  Of course this got me wondering about all the conversations I have  about all kinds of things.  You know. All those shoulds. Don’ts. Cant’s.

One piece I’m acutely aware of, though, is that the action to bring the items back in and pay for them came from a deeply ingrained conversation of right and wrong that was instilled at a very young age.  I knew the moment I realized the mistake had been made that there was NO way I was driving away.  I just had the luxury of listening to the chatter.  It made me wonder, though, about all the conversations I have that are deeply ingrained that I’m not present enough to hear.  What conversations am I missing?  My conversation about right and wrong, in my opinion, is a good one.  What conversations do I have that don’t serve me?  THAT’S the lesson within this lesson for me.  That’s what I continue to seek.

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I feel the teeth

My hips hide and store my emotions.  Not only the weight but deep down in the joints I’ve stored memories, emotions and other people’s stuff.  My first knowledge  of this was doing a yoga weekend several years ago and we were working on the hips and I felt such anger surfacing and I wanted to cry.  The yoga instructor came over to help me with a position and when he went to touch me, I felt like I was made of a thousand pieces of glass waiting to shatter.

But I ignore it.  Or I try to. Until I can’t anymore.

My hips won’t let me ignore anymore.  I hurt. I ache and the emotions are struggling to be released.  Thankfully I have ways to do this.

Yesterday, during my energy work, I shared with Sue that I wanted to release what was there.  As I laid on her table, I just started to sob.  I felt such deep grief bubble up from within me.  I had an image of a young me with boulders strapped to my back just loaded down with burdens that weren’t mine.  Divorce. Fighting parents. Being the parent as a child. A terminally ill father. Being intuitive in an unappreciative world. I was just a loaded down little kid who internalized this and stored it in my hips.

The first vision was replaced by another. I found myself placed in the softness of a burst open milk weed pod.  Yeah- you can imagine the downy softness of that pod.  I was rocking like I was in a hammock until I was enfolded in the arms of maternal love and comforted.  It was such a caring and nurturing love. I felt safe and divine.

I’d love to say that it was gone when we were done.  Instead, it was a day of releasing. Crying. Feeling like shit. It’s not done but I have something for my intellectual mind to wrap around- carrying that which isn’t mine.  It’s not the first time I’ve been told I do that.  I no longer want to be stuck with it or have it stuck in me.  Today’s work is releasing it.  I need to release or it will eat me from the inside out.  I  feel it’s teeth.

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