Shit. It hurts sometimes.

Healing isn’t always easy. Who am I kidding?  It’s rarely easy in the moment.  There are times when the desire IS to rip off the band aid but what’s underneath is just so freaking raw.

band aid

Awhile back, I posted about coming to believe that I’ve been sexually assaulted, abused or had inappropriate sexual advances in not only this life but many past lives.  Here’s the original post.  Sexual abuse across lifetimes  When I went into my most recent energy healing appointment, it was one of the things I wanted to work on because carrying the memories of these lives around is having an impact.  I know the hip and sacral issues I’m having are partly due to this history and it’s time to heal.

It’s hard to explain what Sue does when she works but when she was done and we talked she said “I saw you way back in mid evil times- or around there- as a man wielding a sword. At one point you were the perpetrator.  We then went on to talk about the healing is about forgiving myself as the perpetrator and the victim.

I left that appointment utterly wiped out and exhausted. I felt as though I could have curled up into a fetal position and slept for days.   I don’t know what I did while wielding that sword but my intuition was that I had a lot of guilt around it and chose life time after life time to place myself in the situation to be the victim to pay the price for what I’d done.  Maybe not pay the price but experience the other side of the sword.  Whether or not I used the sword as a power source to make women (and men) submit or used it just for killing others probably doesn’t matter.   If a sword can be symbolic of male genetalia, it would make sense that I’d choose to be sexually victimized over and over again in lives going forward.

So now what do I do?  The light has been shown.  I can’t claim to see the whole circle because I had no idea about part of my past until yesterday.  Every past life experience I’ve had thus far has only shown me women.  Who knows how many other cycles are in there.  What I do know is that there’s some forgiveness to happen. I’ll admit, I haven’t figured out how to forgive myself for being young and the object of inappropriate sexual activities.  I haven’t figured out how to forgive myself for being a teenager who was on the receiving end of sexual advances from a friend’s father.  I haven’t figured out how to forgive myself as the victim.  I can easily see forgiving perpetration  but not victim.

As I write this, I know there is work to be done.  This writing is the first step to see that I don’t know.  Next will be finding out the how.  Meditation. Energy work. I’m clear the universe will show me the next step.  I keep getting guided.  I’m open to what’s next and blessed in the journey but, shit, it hurts to rip off that band aid and have light shine on that wound.

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