It seems as though clarity comes to me at the most unusual times. Perhaps it’s because my mind is on other things and I’m not perseverating on the whys and hows of my weight or compulsion or addiction. This last week I’ve found myself on a pretty intense carb binge. For me, pretty intense is a package of cookies and a loaf of Italian bread- all in the span of a couple of days. (Yeah- my body is reacting to all of this and less than happy.)
I’ve been wondering WTF is this all about? I was clear it was about something because I haven’t been on this kind of binge in quite some time. I just couldn’t pin point it and then it became clear today as I was driving. As I figured it out, I started laughing because it’s so wondrous to me that this stuff is in such a blind spot- until it’s not. THEN it’s obvious and I wonder how I was blind to it. I just shake my head in wonder each time it happens.
These past few weeks I’ve been putting myself in situations to be with people, related and even sharing with some people close to me about some relationship stuff with them that’s made me sad. Yes.. in other words I’ve been getting pretty vulnerable. Can you see how the food, my protection, was there? It makes sense now, right? It sure does to me. You know it would be so easy at this point to condemn my actions of binging, berate my inability to make connections and beat myself up for doing it again. Instead, I choose to chuckle at how awesome I am at protecting myself but thankful that I’m now seeing that this form of protection was created when I was so young. Each time I see something like this, it’s an opportunity to grow that conversation up a bit. It’s an opportunity to heal and an opportunity to choose something different. It’s my prayer that I will see this cycle closer and closer to the start of it. Each time I make that cycle shorter I win and I heal. I choose to win over and over again.