Vulnerability. It’s a word that makes me feel a little naked and exposed. When I think of getting vulnerable, my chest tightens and I want to hide because being vulnerable is.. well.. it’s vulnerable and uncomfortable. I never used to allow a lot of vulnerability in my life. I’ve spent my life covering up with weight and walls so that being vulnerable wasn’t an option. The walls have come down a LOT and I’m so much more open than I was in my past years. Those who have known me are shaking their heads yes at this very moment. However, I still don’t open myself up fully very often or to very many.
The irony is that this blog is seen as vulnerable for many and it is on some levels. However, there are things that won’t make it to this blog yet because they are just tooooo raw or naked for me at this point. I do, however, want to share something additional to the bully and betrayal post I did last because I had so many who messaged me publicly and privately about it.
You see, there was another player in the mix. The creator of the calls that I participated in was the man who made being vulnerable OK for me. When I called him to talk about leaving the calls, he said “I’ll protect you.” He literally said those words. They took my breath away because I think there may be three men in my life that I’m aware of that I truly felt would protect me; my ex husband, another man I dated and one of my best friends. So, when this man said he had my back it felt as though my lungs filled with air. I felt as though I could breathe. Id’ spent all this time taking care of myself and I had someone who said he’d protect me. I didn’t realize how much I missed feeling as though someone else would protect me. I’d done a fine job of it but knowing someone else was there was a revelation.
Yes, there is my higher power, my angels, my guardians but I’m talking about the human flesh and faith in humanity. I felt as though I had a partner in flesh to help me with the challenge I was about to face. I share this because I’ve often felt that I needed to face things alone and that I was a burden if I asked for or got support. What I’m coming to realize and what I’m coming to accept is that there are people who will help me with the safety I crave. In addition, I’m believing I’ll protect myself without the use of food. As I type this I’m breathing deep breaths and filling my lungs to capacity with air and energy. This feeling is not one that needs to be fed and it’s pretty darn cool. Each time I partner with something or someone besides food I am one step closer to healing my addiction.