If Only

Last night I found myself in the car for about an hour and it seemed as if out of nowhere came a desire for fast food.  It’s something that I rarely partake in- well, drive through fast food is something I rarely do.  But I could taste the soda, the burger and the fries in my mouth and mind.  I had the salty fries right there, the burn of a good soda, and the delectable melding of beef, cheese and toppings. As I thought about it, the desire grew greater.  Please note that since I’ve read about the pink slime I don’t think I’ve had a burger at a drive through place but I still have the pre-slime memories.

Then the voice kicked in and said “baby girl- what’s this all about because you aren’t even hungry?”  It’s true I wasn’t hungry but I was hungry for the fix!  I couldn’t immediately figure out what triggered the desire for this food when I wasn’t hungry. Then I realized THAT made me angry.  I just want to know what triggers these desires.  Wouldn’t it be easier?  And I brought up several possibilities for why I wanted to eat for comfort.  I mulled them over one at a time and tossed the ones out that didn’t fit. I think I figured it out but I will tell you that it lead me to thoughts of “if only”.

If only my cravings came with a warning.  You are craving this ice cream because your friend said something that hurt your feelings and you didn’t speak up for yourself.  You are craving these chips because you stubbed your toe and you remember when you had your grandmother here to soothe your pain and you miss her because she’s gone.  You are craving pizza because you were rejected by a man who originally told you how much he liked you.  Wouldn’t life be easier with these “if only” warnings!  Then that thought led me to think about this journey.

Maybe my journey is about discovering these triggers on my own and with each discovery the ability to figure it out will become faster and then I can freely choose how I act on it.  Whether I choose to eat and enjoy that ice cream or chips or drive through or I choose not to will be a choice rather than a unconscious drive to a destination where I beat myself up.  I knew when I started this entry that my focus was about the “if only”. What I didn’t know is that I’d end up with that last bit of wisdom about the unconscious drive to a destination.

So, you are wondering if I stopped at the drive through, right? No. I didn’t and it was a continual conversation for a long drive.  I chose not to and even thought about the food I had at home and nothing was going to do what I thought I needed in that moment.  But I chose not to because I knew I’d feel even worse after I had the momentary- and I mean mil-second momentary- bliss.  When I wound up and bed and realized that I hadn’t eaten, I felt good. Not the good I used to feel that was a righteous good that I didn’t go over points or calories when I used to restrict myself.  No. It was the good like I’d lovingly embraced myself in a hug of love.

About Yvette

I feel one of my purposes is to share my healing journey to help heal others.
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