I can’t believe it’s been three years since I started this blog. It probably seems like less because there are months and quarters and even half years that I didn’t post anything. Lately I seem to be coming into my voice to share my journey. Perhaps it’s because about a month ago I told me growth partner (therapist for those of you who haven’t followed this) that I just knew life was about to take off with velocity and boy howdy has it!
I was reflecting today on the past three years and what’s transpired. If you looked at pictures of me three years ago and now, I’d look almost the same. Well, in all honesty I was about a size smaller because I’d started losing weight for my lap band surgery. But if you were to look on the inside of me, it just wouldn’t be the same at all. I just realized the humor of that statement because literally on the inside of my body is a lap band that I’ve had all the liquid removed from because I realized after the surgery it wasn’t a wise choice for me.
So, I’ve learned that restriction and I aren’t friends. If you think about context being the largest blanket in thought, then my context is I rebel against restriction. Once I got this, I was able to remove the liquid from my band and really go within my soul to see what’s going on in there.
I’ve learned in the past three years to take care of myself with things other than food that offers me nothing. I take joy in talking with the farmers who grow my food when I go to the market on Sunday. I relish a hot shower and a comfortable bed after a long day rather than something sweet or salty. I find hot tea with honey or warm home made chicken soup gives me a nurturing comfort that cookies never did. Sitting outside with my feet planted firmly in the grass while meditating brings a calm that I didn’t get from a run to the fast food place. I know to ask myself “honey, what’s going on?” when I do go for the empty nutritional items. And when I choose to eat food, I enjoy it.
As I’m writing this, I’m thinking “Girl! You don’t do this all the time!”. Of course I don’t. I’m human and on a journey. I will say, however, that none of what I just wrote was present for me three years ago when I started this journey. I didn’t sigh when I ate something that was nurturing to my body and soul. I didn’t close my eyes in delight when I found something that just brought my taste buds over the top with satisfaction. I wasn’t in touch with the joy that food brought. I didn’t spit food out if it wasn’t what I wanted. I was truly an unconscious eater who would say “the problem is I love food too much” when I didn’t love it at all.
My growth partner can tell you there were many times I sat in her office crying that I wasn’t losing weight because I’d get tugged back into that societal pull of “weight loss is success.” “When will it show up on my body?” I’d ask. “The journey is about patience and you are doing great”, she’d say. I believe that today. I actually don’t care about the weight as much as I do about the way I feel about myself. The joy I feel is palpable. The energy I feel radiates from me. The healing I feel and continue to manifest attracts others. THAT is what this journey has been about. I know that each time I’m able to spend more and more time in this space of belief, more and more transformation will occur.
Lastly I want to say that I’ve learned over the years that my friends see my greatness and support me. I’ve found that some of them have a hard time when I reveal my insecurities and doubts and shadows that lurk in my mind. I know it’s out of love and concern. What I want to say to all of you supporting someone like me on a journey is that we are doing just fine and we need to dig in the depths to come up to see the light. It’s all good!