As a large woman, I’ve never been afraid of color, being bold and using my clothes to express myself. I really never remember feeling the need to hide myself in black or dark colors or wear clothing that hid my curves. With large feet, I don’t have a shoe collection but I sure do have shirts, scarves and jewelry that will get me noticed. I was going to say I don’t remember when I started this love of wearing clothes and then I had a flashback. I hated- and I mean- HATED- getting clothes as a gift. In fact, I still do. It’s that dreaded “this won’t fit” feeling I remember having when I got handed that gift box shaped to fit some clothing that not only wouldn’t fit me physically but it wouldn’t fit my style. So, I’d say from the point I was able to start shopping for my own clothes, I shopped and enjoyed buying clothes that made me feel good.
I recently moved to a new apartment that boasts a large wall mirror that faces my home office door. Each time I leave my office, there I am. In the mirror. I’ve noticed that the critical voices are there when I walk through that door and see my reflection. Recently, I’ve taken to looking down as I leave my office so I don’t see my reflection. It was really making me sad and uncomfortable to hear the voices and negativity that were surfacing as I saw my body. So today, I decided that each time when I walk out of my office, I will look in that mirror and say “Well hello, gorgeous!” Wow- when I say that was uncomfortable, I mean it was un-com-fort-able. Each time I said it- the “critical” voice got louder. It was as if an amplifier had been placed in my head.
Even though this is uncomfortable, I’m still committed to this positive self talk. I think I’m on to something. The part of me that wants to hold on to the weight and the comfort of it is really struggling with this exercise. That loudness comes from its desire to repress the positive. If it can keep me there, in the clutches of self loathing, the addiction can be fed and the cycle can continue. Perhaps, however, I can exorcise this voice out! As I’m writing this, I find myself grinning at giving this part of me its own identity. But truly it has one. It’s not all of me that feels this way or says these things. It’s a part of me. Now, let’s work on accepting and loving this part of me and being compassionate for it. Let me embrace all of me- physically, emotionally and spiritually. Well, hello gorgeous!