This very slow process calls for attention to detail and being conscious. It calls to me to be patient- ha! That’s not one of my strong suits which is apparently why I’ve been blessed with this opportunity. Yeah, I’ll admit, there’s some sarcasm dripping from that last sentence. There are days when I don’t want to fully embrace the blessing of this struggle. I’m sitting here trying to work but distracted for my need to share one such insight that came about from being conscious.
Last week I was getting some left overs to eat. The container I took out had enough for several servings. I grabbed a bowl to warm some of it up and as I did, I looked at the container debating whether to put the whole thing in to warm it up. Then I became present to the voice “You don’t NEED all that!”. Oh, how glad I am that I heard her. I heard her venom and disgust. I heard her judgement. I heard the nasty, food controlling, dieting, restrictive bitchiness about her. I heard her and I smiled and I said- “actually, I don’t WANT all this and there’s a difference.” and I smiled. Truly I smiled. Standing in my kitchen I grinned like I’d heard a great joke!
I smiled because I heard her. You know she’s been following me around since I was told “but you have such a pretty face”. She’s been following me around since I was put on my first diet at a young age. She’s been there for every failure; perceived and realized. However, she’s been in the shadows. Kind of like knowing there’s something in the fog but not being able to clearly see it so you feel it’s in your imagination. HA! She is in my imagination but she showed herself. She showed herself and she was exorcised- and she will be exorcised again and again and again and again. Each time she shows up and I’m conscious to notice I will tell her to be gone! The next step is telling her with love to be gone. Right now I feel anger about the nastiness of the voice. I could lie about it but that does no good. I know she had her time and her purpose. I just know that she’s no longer needed. I have other ways to cope and do what needs to be done. I know that this is just a shadow as I head towards the light of recovery.