Life is pretty interesting. Actually- it’s VERY interesting. There are times when I just don’t know what my insight will be and when it will show up. After writing that, I realized I NEVER know when they will. 🙂 As a single person, I think about dating and why I’m single and all that kind of stuff. When someone asks me why I’m single, I have my pat answers. 1) I was taking some time to heal and grow- ok- a long time to heal and grow. 2) I’m not interested in settling. and 3) There are fewer men interested in larger women than smaller women. Those were my stories and I was sticking to them.
Last night I had a realization about judgement- my OWN judgement. I say that there are fewer men interested in larger women BUT what hit me upside the head last night was that it’s my judgement about it. I think-” what would a well built, hot man want in me- a fat chick? He’s obviously interested in physical fitness. blah, blah, blah.” I started to cry when this voice came to me. Yeah, I’ve heard it before and I BELIEVED it before. I’ve been believing it FOREVER and saying it to myself for just as long. Yes, with that language and language that’s worse or even more judgmental. Ever since I read those girly magazines at 11-12 years old and saw that men must want women built like that. All the name calling in school. All the “but you have such a pretty face” comments. ALL of that has just fed that belief. (ha ha- pun was not intended) The tears were of relief that I didn’t have to buy into this story anymore. The tears were for a sadness that I’ve believed this story for 35 years. We actually live in a commercial society that upholds these beliefs so just unearthing them won’t necessarily have them go away. So, I created a list.
I won’t bore you with the list of my virtues and stand out qualities- I’ll just say that I created it because the reminder will do me good. There are a LOT of reasons why I’m a worthy partner. In fact, most of you who read this so far are friends and would probably add to the list and say things of which I’m not aware.
As I write this I feel like I’ve had this ah ha before- or something close to it. This time feels a bit different though. I feel it at a deeper level. I think each time I remember, regain, strip away or have a new understanding I get closer to merging all my splits and bringing me back to whole- bringing me back to peace. Big sigh.