I’ve been feeling stagnant lately in my work with my disordered eating. Yeah- I’ve been reading lately and I LOVE the term disordered eating rather than eating disorder. When I first read the term used by Anita Johnston in her book Eating in the Light of the Moon, I said to myself “ooohhh there I am!”. You see, I can eat just fine so my eating is not a disorder. However, the reason why I eat is not in order. Ok- I digress here in what I want to say.
On one hand I believe I’m right where I need to be in my healing. Perhaps there is such a thing as a plateau? I’m pretty sure there is. My mind, body and soul need to get used to the growth I’ve made. On the other hand I feel like “hurry up already!” It’s a very uncomfortable place to be for me because I feel no forward motion and I struggle not to judge or harass myself about it. It’s the not judging that’s the hardest because, like all of you, I have that voice that judges, judges, judges what I do, say and how I be. The good news is that I catch her somewhat regularly now and I often find myself being more gentle than judging with my actions and self talk.
I think one of the reasons for the stagnation is fear. I know the next step for me is facing some emotions. Although this journey has brought me more in touch with my emotions than ever before, these emotions feel as though they might be dark. Funny part is I don’t know because I’m scared to go there. Let me explain what I mean. When I go to eat when I’m not hungry (disordered eating- doing it out of order), I will ask myself “what is it you don’t want to feel- or what is this food about?” I am CONSCIOUS of the fact that I say “I don’t know and I don’t want to know this time- maybe next time.”
Perhaps that is the growth I’m seeking. Knowing that one of these days, I’ll be willing to face what I don’t know. Peek in and see if it’s the big bad wolf I’m envisioning. I know that, in life, there are times when I’ve often thought things would be bad, or hurtful, or painful and they weren’t. Maybe it’s just about allowing myself to go there once and gaining some strength to go there again and gaining some more muscle to go back again until my feelings come first and the eating is back in place with hunger and nourishment.
Perhaps, when I write again, you’ll all find out.