and I screamed

Just yesterday I walked into my living room and found what I thought was a dead chipmunk (a gift from one of my cats). I got the dustpan and the broom and as I went to sweep it up, it lept up and ran.  I screamed.  It was an unusual sound for me to hear.

Two months ago I shared with my therapist (I think I’m going to refer to her as my growth partner from now on.) that I noticed I don’t scream.   There was a bat in the house and as it flew towards me, I noticed that I screamed with my mouth closed.  It was as if I didn’t want to bother anyone, make a noise, be noticed.  That’s been in the back of my mind since we spoke because it’s as if I stuff down those feelings and I don’t let the fear out.  One of the way I’ve used food for 40 something years is to stuff down my fear- or any feelings for that matter.  The silent scream was just a demonstration for learning purposes and I was just aware enough to take the lesson.

I now wonder how far back was it that I learned to stuff my fear, to be seen but not heard, to hide.  I have few memories of childhood and many of them are around food and guilt.  There are also those about not sharing or expressing my feelings.  Today, as I prepare to attend the funeral of one of my Great Aunts, I’m reminded of my father’s funeral.  I was getting into the car at the age of 12 and I was crying.  My step grandmother said “Don’t cry, your father wouldn’t want you to cry.”  I can still hear her voice 34 years later.  I now know it was an adult’s way of dealing with a little girl’s pain.  However, as a 12 year old, who just lost her dad, the message was clear. Don’t express your sadness, it makes other people angry or sad or whatever.  Instead, have a cookie.  It’ll make you feel better.

I now work to allow myself to feel what I feel, cry when I want to cry and apparently I’m getting good at screaming.  It’s all very exciting. 🙂   Yes, I did say work to allow myself to feel. It’s yet to be automatic.  I still have to allow myself permission to do it at times. Other times it’s automatic.  It’s all a journey and my journey is far from over.

About Yvette

I feel one of my purposes is to share my healing journey to help heal others.
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3 Responses to and I screamed

  1. Lisa Kornmeyer says:

    Screaming can be invigorating! On occasion I have found just a simple scream can let go of the stresses I am feeling…and crying…it is SO good for the soul! Wishing you lots of success on this continuous journey of life! You are such an inspiration to so many people! XOXO

  2. Olivia Rising says:

    Well said my friend. So proud of you.

  3. Betsy says:

    Awesome insight, my dear friend!!! And awesome that you have been able to identify where, at least some, of that “stuffing” began! You inspire me!

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