Eating alone

For me, having a compulsion around food manifests itself as thinking about it A LOT!  I long for the day that I go for long periods without thinking about eating or not eating or whatever.  I guess I long for it. I don’t know- I don’t even know what I’d do with that time. Anyway….  So, having set the background for what I’m about to say I was brushing my teeth and looking in the mirror and what popped into my mind was why was eating alone so difficult.  The action of actually JUST eating and not watching TV and not reading.  Then the answer came out like a flash of lightening.  When I eat alone, I have to face the fact that I AM alone.  Yes, part of it is the mindlessness of eating while doing something else.  However, it hit me on a visceral level that it’s also admitting that I’m alone-single alone.  There’s no one eating with me and I have to face the fact that, yes, I’m eating yet another meal all by myself.  Trust me, this isn’t said for the sake of pity or “awwww”.  It’s just that being alone is something else that I’m mindless about and it’s ironic that I can perpetuate mindlessness when I eat mindlessly.  Follow?  I’ve always been fascinated by those who make eating a meal by themselves an occasion of self care. They set the table, light a candle, fill the wine glass.  Perhaps that’s what I should do- start dating myself as I eat food. I mean who better to care for me than me?  No one.  Just wanted to share because something came up the day before about eating with others. I’ll share that another day.

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One Response to Eating alone

  1. Betsy says:

    Interesting!! I totally eat in front of the tv so that I don’t feel the aloneness. I have never been able to JUST eat with nothing else to distract me like candles, wine, and no THOU! If you know what I mean. And on a different note, I too spend a LOT of time thinking about food: when did I eat last, what am I going to eat next, do I REALLY want to cook that???? I guess it IS easier to think about food than contemplate the fact that I am alone and don’t know if that will ever change and how do I really feel about that.

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