I love “ah ha’s” and today I had a brilliant one- if I may say so. I’m practicing eating at a table with no distractions. I say practicing because it’s not mastered. I’d rather eat watching TV or reading. I am a multi tasker, right? How else will I fit it all in? However, I’m willing to keep persisting because I know it’s part of the healing. Because eating and doing something else is not about multi-tasking, it’s about not being present for me.
As I’m eating breakfast, I decide to implement another practice. I put down my fork between bites. When I did it with my first bite, the flavors of what I was eating exploded in my mouth. I picked up the fork and ate some more. Again, the flavors created a party in my mouth. As I savored what I was eating, I was putting down my fork each time. What happened was a whole lot of old conversation and baggage surfaced.
Old Conversation: “You put down your fork so you eat more slowly and eat less and lose weight.” Wow! Warning! Warning! Warning- restriction and red light for me. If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you know that restriction means rebellion for me and, dare I say, for so many others. So I literally chew on this as I’m eating. Perhaps instead of it being about losing weight, perhaps it’s about being present to the flavor and, hence, the party in my mouth. Hmmmm as I thought about that it resonated.
When I found myself present to the taste, I also found myself present to when I’d had enough to eat. Then another conversation came up. “But I’m not done eating.” That gave me another thing to think about. Why do I want to keep eating? That got me thinking about something I saw on TV about chasing a high. How it’s not possible to get that same high after the first one but you keep chasing it. And I thought about it. Yes, that first “party in my mouth” bite was amazing but none of the rest were as good. They were good but not the same as the first one. AND I kept eating hoping to get that same experience. That got me thinking how much I eat hoping for that high of a good bite, a great taste, the party in my mouth. Oh, this onion has so many layers.