During my last session with Sil, we spoke about how food and eating is an experience. For me, it’s been something I do and I barely taste it- except for when I do, and then it truly is a sensational experience. (OR sometimes I taste it and it tastes like crap but it’s what I want emotionally… I believe this is why I distract myself from tasting food sometimes. I don’t have to be present to why I’m eating it when it doesn’t even taste good.) It happens periodically when I pay attention to what I’ve eaten and my taste buds go wild. I think I’m often eating food that feeds the emotions and really hasn’t a taste that satisfies my taste buds. Instead, I’m eating to satisfy something else. I have a butternut squash soup experience that I may or may not have shared. I’ll look and see. If I haven’t, I’ll share it. So, back to the party in my mouth.
I just made a dinner on the grill. It was with much anticipation that I cooked. As I plated, I thought about eating and watching my DRVd shows. Then I remembered something new I wanted to “take on” was uninterrupted eating. Actually focusing on what I was tasting. It was something Sil and I discussed. She’d shared with me that it’s actually disrespectful not to experience the eating. At the time, I didn’t get it. Disrespectful? She’d said it many times in our conversation so it stuck.
I sat down to my meal, at my table sans music or tv. I took my first bite and my eyes closed with great satisfaction. OMG- the tastes were amazing. At one point as I was eating, I found I’d thrown my head back and groaned. Yeah- it was a sensual experience. At that point, I realized fully what she meant when she said it was disrespectful. I mean- who wouldn’t want to have this experience? This attention? I actually teared up with this understanding of disrespecting. That was when I realized what I’d written above. I deprive myself of that experience so much because I either eat distracted OR I eat things that don’t party in my mouth. As I was eating this meal, I got to thinking- I wonder if I will fill up any differently because it’s a different “in touch” experience.
Sure enough- my plate wasn’t even half empty when I felt satisfied. For a moment, I struggled. Do I keep eating? I haven’t eaten it all? I haven’t even eaten a lot. Are you sure you are full? There are soooo many conversations that I become present to when I listen. I feel overwhelmed at times with all there is to do and learn. I have to keep reminding myself it’s one step at a time. One experience at a time- one bite at a time. So, I told myself if I got hungry later, I could eat more. I’ll see what happens. It is such a journey.