“no” out of love

I just returned from a week away where my concern was that I would over eat out of discomfort.  Instead, I found myself eating when I was hungry and stopping when I’d had enough. I found myself asking “what do you want to eat, taste, experience?”.  I found myself not hungry for dessert and any dessert I decided to taste did not taste good.  I found it to be a refreshing experience.  I came back to a house that needed restocking and off to the grocery store I went.

I headed there with visions of fresh veggies and salmon in my head.  I shopped that aisle and could taste the grilled veggies and fresh salad.  As I walked to my next stop, I passed the cookie aisle.  I remembered that one of my favorite “binge cookies” was on sale.  It didn’t call to me at all but I think a niggling started.  I continued to shop.  I’d forgotten my list so as I stood in front of the dairy section I asked myself if I needed anything else.  “Those cookies” is what I heard.  I shook my inner head wondering what happened there.  “What do you mean those cookies?”  In response I again said “those cookies”.  YES I was having this conversation with myself.  “Why,” I asked “do you want the cookies?”  “Because I do,” was my matter of fact response.  I literally stood in the same spot for at least three minutes talking to myself.  “You have a plan to make home made cookies for the neighbors today.  Give me one good reason to buy those cookies.”  I couldn’t give a reason.  I asked “are you hungry?  Are you tired? Are you upset about something?  Do you wish you were still away?”  I could find no good reason to accommodate the request for the cookies.  I said “ok, what’s the worst that will happen if you DON’T buy the cookies”.  There was no response.  “Then let’s try this. Let’s not buy the cookies to figure out why you want the cookies.”   There was a moment of fear, peace and discomfort and pride all in one.  I walked out with all my fresh food.

After eating some lunch, I decided to journal about the above experience because I couldn’t get to what had triggered that potential binge buy.  In the pen to paper writing,  I got to thinking of HALT= hungry, angry, lonely, tired.  Lonely struck me like lightening.  I got it- I’m experiencing lonely.  I really have always been ok with being alone.  I’ve lived alone for 15 years- with 6 month family and friend visitors here and there.  I’m so ok with my own company but I want to love and be loved again.  As I wrote that and as I write this, I get emotional.  It’s been a long time coming to be ready.  I think my time away where I had a great balance of alone time and social time and where I met a really neat man and had some great connecting conversation, I once again connected with the potential of connection.

Perhaps I’ve been lonely a lot but I had the cookies to stifle the pain.  I’m ok with feeling the lonely feelings at this moment.  I actually feel blessed to have peeled away another layer.  I’m even freakin’ proud that I said to myself “no”- to the cookies.  It was not “no” out of deprivation or diet.  It was “no” out of love.  No out of wanting to see what was actually there. No because I want to heal.  This journey is surely not for sissies.

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