I haven’t wanted to post this week because I’ve been challenged all week and I wasn’t sure what exactly to write about this challenge. I’m hungry, I want to eat and I’m not supposed to be hungry with the band. I haven’t lost anything in two weeks and I should be with the band. How interesting is that? Not very- just frustrating. I’m able to get a fill this next week. I’ve opted not to because I’m traveling and I want to be home to deal with the effects rather than in another city. So, I’ll wait a week.
In the meantime, I’ve been doing my homework from Syl and reading some of Geneen Roth’s books. Right now I’m reading Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. I recommend it to all of you who have said you understand my journey. There’s so much I want to say about the book and what I’m learning but that will have to wait for subsequent posts because I want to share about an event that happened today.
I was at a party today and was introduced to a woman who had the lap band surgery four years ago. As with most experiences, when you do something life altering, it’s a bonding and people feel that they can share openly with you. I listened to her successes and how she was so happy etc. Then she asked me a question and I said that I hadn’t lost anything in two weeks and I knew I needed a fill. Her response was “why not you bad girl?”. My jaw did not hit the ground but almost. The internal buttons that were pushed were amazing. I was quite proud of myself though because I looked her square in the eyes and said “you know, I don’t appreciate being called a bad girl.”
Now, I’m sure she meant no harm by it. In fact, I’m guessing she meant it to be motivating and helpful. However, it hit me at some core level that did not feel good at all. We finished our conversation and I found myself wondering why this bothered me so much. As I drove home, I had tears in my eyes. Wow- I wondered- what’s this all about? I’m still processing but I’ve come up with several options. 1) I felt admonished like a little girl and didn’t like it because I’ve never liked to be bad. 2) She said what I’ve been saying to myself or some version there of. I have a tendency to believe that it was option two. Again, it speaks to the things we’ll say to ourselves that we wouldn’t say to others or expect others to say to us.
So, let me explore this a bit more. Am I a bad girl because I’m eating more than I “should be able to” with the band and not losing weight? No. I’m an addict dealing with my addiction the best I can in any moment. Or I’m emotionally eating- or both. This is what I’m getting extra help for because I’m working to find this all out.
I guess there’s something about others pointing things out- especially a stranger who was not given any permission to share her opinion of my journey. I also think that her bringing it to me, although it pushed my buttons, was great because it brought this conversation to the forefront. I just love blogging because sometimes it takes me to the end of what I’m writing to figure out what it is. So, “Yvette, I don’t appreciate you calling me a bad girl”. It was really ME that needed to tell ME that it’s not ok to say such negative things to myself. Ahhh- there’s that unconditional love again. Sweet! The lesson still needs some learning so here it is in a different form. Thank you!