Let me start by saying, thank you for all the support you have been showing. As I go forward, this blog will take me out on the skinny branches of vulnerability and that’s unnerving. I get caught up in wondering if I’m sharing too much and then I think about the part of my soul I touched earlier this week when I realized this blog is for my growth AND I do believe I’m a conduit for messages. I’m the deliverer of a greater message to those who are challenged by their relationship with food. I know I’m here to make a difference in the world (we all are) and this is going to be one of my ways.
I found a therapist to work with because my challenges are beyond what I can work on in the lap band support group. Because of all the transformational work I’ve done in the past 15 years, and the counseling I’ve had, I can go deep into what’s going on for me and I do. I’m not afraid to go there- but a bit more intimidated by sharing it. Again, I know that’s the sharing that will make a difference. I’m so stoked to be working with Sil because she gets “it”, gets me, and has me excited about the prospect of digging deep and healing.
Yesterday I attended my nieces 5th grade moving up ceremony. At one point during the ceremony, there was a girl left on the stage and I looked at her and thought “that was my 5th grade body”. She was rounder than her peers and had breasts, hips and a butt. She looked uncomfortable and I could relate. I didn’t want attention drawn to me at that age but I wanted love and attention. It’s hard to have both. For some reason, just looking at her brought tears to my eyes.
A bit later, we were at a pool party for the children and there was another girl there who was larger than her peers. Again, I felt drawn to watch her. I noticed that her peers payed her little mind and she did a lot of swimming alone, jumping off the side of the pool alone and I just started to cry. I watched her and tears welled up in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I was that girl. I was that girl who became comfortable doing things alone when I did not feel like I belonged. Food became the comforter for that little girl who didn’t feel like she fit in with “the popular girls, the skinny girls, the funny girls etc.” Food served me well at that point. It’s all I have to say at this point about it because I’m still with the emotions of it. It touched me in a core place.