Yesterday I had my second post-op visit with the dietitian so that I can move to raw foods. Can you say salad? When I was speaking to her I shared that I’m not having problems with any food I’m eating. In fact, I shared it like it was a concern. (Shouldn’t it be more difficult? Shouldn’t I be having problems. I mean- I ate ground beef with NO issues.) She laughed and told me it was actually a good thing that I was not having problems. Then it struck me.
Why do I want there to be challenges? Well, if there are physical challenges with the band then I’m really restricted and things are out of my control. Once again, I want this to be easy. I don’t want to deal with the addiction, I want this to be out of my hands. I want to be able to look at something and know I can’t eat it because it’ll make me sick. That is just so odd- and a part of the sickness of addition- or MY sickness of addiction. I do not want to group all people together.
As I got to thinking, I remember the doctor saying “if you give the band the power, this will not work. You are the one with the power.” Ohhh how I struggle with that- damn this addiction and addicted mind! I can only hope that as I work and heal and move forward I will look back at these entries and say “you’ve come a long way, baby!”
Until then, we both get to go through this together. I say “we both” because you are reading this with me. I appreciate knowing you are reading and that my sharing is out there. It has a place to go rather than in just my head. When I worked in a drug rehab there used to be a saying “being in your head is like being in a bad neighborhood all alone”. When I write, I’m no longer alone. Thank you!