I am struggling today. I am experiencing some of that growling hunger that you get when your body is really hungry. I don’t want to call the emergency number to find out what’s going on. I’m not supposed to be feeling any hunger at this point. Why is it that I don’t want to call the number? The number is there for me to call. It’s what the nurses are on call for and why they give it to patients. Funny- I don’t want to be a bother to anyone. It goes along with me working to be invisible most of my life with my weight.
If you know me and you’re reading this, you are thinking “yeah right, invisible” you take the spotlight, lead groups, teach etc. Yes, I do AND I do that when I’m comfortable. There is still a part of me who has played invisible or had weight on so that I could hide and not be present, be vulnerable or really be with people. I guess this is all part of the journey. I’ll make the call tomorrow- no, not right now, tomorrow. I don’t have to do it this minute but I will make the call.
The ironic thing is that I took to this page to write about how I’m struggling with food fantasies today. Instead something totally unexpected came out as I started to type. I guess that’s why I write this blog because I know there’s stuff in there and this is part of my journey- the writing of what’s going on with me. I have never been good a journal writing. I find this different because I think if someone reads it and finds that they are not alone in their thoughts, it will be worth sharing.
In case your wondering, my food fantasies started out as ratatouille and have morphed to turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy. LOL- what a shift, huh! The first was when I was figuring what I can eat when I finally can and the second must have kicked in when I was not taking care of my needs by calling the Dr’s office. Again, another breakthough while writing occurs. I have called the Dr.’s office and had them page the nurse. I’m awaiting a return call.
As soon as I dialed the phone, I started to cry. I’m not sure what that was about. I’m not sure if I was crying because I am upset about feeling the hunger. ( I know I am annoyed by it.) Maybe it was because I stood up for myself and took care of myself. Unfortunately it’s not something I do for myself enough so maybe that’s what it is about. When the receptionist asked me what message she could page the nurse with, I found myself backing down. My response was “it’s not an emergency/ emergency but it can’t wait until Monday.” That’s the truth but as I was saying it, I found a part of me shrinking back into “I’m a bother”. It’s always good to observe.
I got the call back and found out that as I’m healing the swelling is going down so it’s probably why I’m feeling the hunger. She suggested I add another shake to my day. We’ll see if that helps.