Today I got to come face to face with my addiction and using food to cover up what I was feeling. I work in Direct Sales so I do recruiting interviews with people in order to recruit them into the business. I had an interview today and it didn’t go as I wanted- meaning she wanted time to think. As I drove away there was a voice that said “what am I going to eat now?”
It took me aback because it was so automatic and I haven’t eaten real food in 10 days. The beauty is that I can’t eat right now so there was no way to do anything about it. Let me clarify- there was nothing I could eat to do anything about it. Instead I had to be with it.
I thought- where the &^% did you come from? What are you doing here? Ok, perhaps, instead, next time I could ask myself “what am I feeling and what is it that I don’t want to be with right now?” Ahhh, disappointment, failure. Perhaps I’m just not good at this recruiting thing. Never mind some people need to just think about it. I have to go and make it all about me. (just getting this in writing it down) Instead, in the moment a question to ask myself would have been, “Did you do your best and do everything that could be done?” The answer would have been yes. If I had done that, would I have been able to forgo the 3 hours of uncomfortability and edginess.
Instead, I drove home on a main highway filled with food places and tasted each one in my mind as I passed. Pizza, Chinese, burgers, fries, buffalo chicken wings… each one taunting me. I called a friend and what is she doing but going through a drive in to pick up food? (laughing) No coincidences there my friend. Because I couldn’t eat, I went to Barnes and Noble and read a magazine. On my way home I noticed the urge had abated but not completely. It literally took three hours for it to go away.
I was just sitting there wondering if I’d managed to bury the feelings in another way. I can’t see where I did. Instead, I just “be’d” with my disappointment and uncomfortability of not being able to use my old friend for companionship and for comfort.
You know- someone recently asked me if I’d have to get new friends after the surgery. The question was framed with the comparison to an alcoholic and how they can no longer hang out with their drinking buddies. I said I didn’t because all my friends have been incredibly supportive. Instead, there’s a friend I need to get rid of, kick to the curb, say adios etc. That friend is food. More specifically, it’s getting rid of that friend in certain situations. Let the journey continue!