I feel lost

Every doctor’s office is different in what they require before surgery and before my surgery, I needed to see a psychologist.  One of the questions she asked was “do you think of food all the time”.  For me, I said “yes” and thought to myself “don’t most people”.  Now, I realize most people don’t think about food all the time but I did and I didn’t realize there was a problem with that.  Ok, I did realize there was a problem with it but was it something I really wanted to address? No.

Fast forward a month and we are five days past surgery.  Until tomorrow, I can only have water, tea and diet non carbonated drinks- oh and sugar free ice pops.  When they told me during the support group that I would not be hungry during those days, I have to say I did not believe them.  Now I’m in the throws of it.  I have not felt physical hunger since the day before my surgery.  That means I have not felt hunger for five days.  Let’s be more specific; I have not felt physical hunger.  It is one of the oddest situations I’ve ever encountered.

When I think about it, much of my day was thinking about what I would eat and when.   Now, there is no hunger to interrupt what I’m doing and even if the clock says it’s a meal time, I know I can’t physically eat.  That does not stop my desire to eat.  I find I want to eat to heal myself.  Right? Isn’t that what we are taught- eat comfort foods to feel better.  I want to eat because I have some minor pain from the surgery- again for comfort.  I want to eat because I’m bored.  (I have gotten rather tired of watching tv and napping although it’s what I need to heal.)  I want to eat just because it was part of my day in the past.

Part of the reason I’ve chosen this surgery is to face my addiction head on.  Not being able to eat is a major confrontation for me.  What I’m finding is that I did spend a lot of time thinking about food and now I have this time to think about other things.  I find myself not sure what to think about because this is all new to me.  Yeah, I have plenty I could do but I find myself thinking about how odd it is I’m not hungry.  I’m sure this will get old but right now it’s present so I’m just being present to it.  In the past, food has allowed me to hide and not be present.  Life should be interesting as I go forth and have the opportunity to be more present to what is in the moment.  I entitled this piece “I feel lost” because I do.  I know I’ll find my way and this is part of the journey.  Until next time.

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