Whose voice is it that I hear say “just stop in and get the chips- you can lose that weight- don’t worry.” I can’t figure out who it is. YES- it’s me but what drives that voice? Is it fear of failure, comfortability, fear of success. I just don’t know. I know that lately as I’ve been nearing surgery and grieving the fact that I’m giving up a live and let eat lifestyle, I’m craving foods that I know I will not be able to easily eat in the future if ever again.
At times I’ve been having the foods. What’s fascinating is that they don’t taste that good. What’s even more interesting is that I usually eat them anyway. Why? I just can’t get to the bottom of why. Of course, it’s tough to get to the bottom of why when the bag of chips is in my hands and my hand is in the bag. That is not the time to figure out why. Is the time to ask why when I choose NOT to get that bag of chips?
Today for example, I wanted to stop at Wendy’s for a burger, fries and soda. Oh yeah. I was salivating at the thought. (Far be it from me to know how Wendy’s escaped my list of places I won’t eat after reading that the fast food burgers could be parts of hundreds of cows.) Anyway- I go through the conversation with myself. 1) You really don’t want to do this to yourself. It does not fit your goal and you won’t feel good afterward. (Yeah but you won’t be eating these things again and soda is out of the question.) 2) You weigh in Monday and you wan to be at that 5% and this will not help AND you’ll retain water from all the salt. (but you can drink lots of water tomorrow the voice says) As I’m having this conversation I’m going through the mall parking lot towards the Wendy’s. I see that the line is about 8 cars deep. I have no desire to sit in a line that long and I think to myself “well, that’s a sign I’m not supposed to be here.” Why is it the belly that’s sitting on my legs is not a sign that I’m not supposed to be in that line? That’s my other question. Who is this voice that’s so strong in so many ways but yet can be quelled when “a sign” appears. I’m sure she (the voice) has been useful in many areas of my life and I’m not thinking she’s very helpful when it comes to food.
What would I say to her if she had human form and could have a conversation? Thank you for protecting me all this time. You’ve obviously had my best interest at heart when I needed to be protected and comforted. There are other ways to do this now though. I’m no longer a little girl who needs protecting. I’m a grown woman who has all the tools I need to survive being uncomfortable without food as a tool. Ok, maybe I don’t have all the tools. You are right- I don’t and that’s when you want to come in and save the day. Oh- I appreciate you wanting to help out and to watch out for me. I’d really like to work on honing these new skills and tools though. I think I’ll be ok if I’m angry, upset, sad, excited, happy, grieving, bored or celebrating. I have some new tools and tricks to work on to help me through situations. You have been amazing for all the years that you’ve been doing your job. I mean look at me. You have really been amazing at comforting me with food. How about you let me try some new ways now for awhile. I’d like you to help me find new ways- forge ahead and be the one who helps me discover the ways of comfort without food. Could you do that for me? Would you be willing to do that for me?
If I could talk to the one who has been protecting me with food all these years, that’s what I’d say. Well, I guess I just did.