I have not written in ages. I go to write and think- I have nothing inspiring to say and nothing that will make a difference. It’s interesting that I think this journey has to be about making a difference for others when it’s really about making a difference for me. So today, I’m putting fingers to keyboard just to write and see what’s there for me and what’s been going on. I have not been to an OA meeting in a couple of months- nor have I been to the gym. A connection perhaps?
I’ve been struggling- struggling with what I don’t know. I’ve just been in a “I don’t wanna” phase. I’ve also been thinking a lot about the lap band surgery. I feel like I keep getting signs that it is the way I need to explore. I struggle with that as well. Is it a cop out or is it actually a tool to help me in my journey? One day I think “it’s a tool” and I have all the reasons for it. The next I think” you’ll cop out and not deal with stuff if you do it” and I find reasons to support that vein of thinking. I just really don’t know what to do. I know that I’m sick and tired of a lot of things. Perhaps it’s just about being sick and tired enough to do something about it.
Maybe my something is a combination of both the surgery and the help with the addiction. The reality is you can’t go to the Dr. one day and say I want this surgery and it happens the following week. There is a lot of prep work for it. I’m now thinking I owe it to myself to check into it and if, along the way, I decide it’s not my option, then I can stop- right up to the end. At this time, it’s all consuming though. I think about it too much. Well, that’s part of the food addict’s addiction. We are either thinking about what to eat or the fact that we haven’t eaten.
The memory that keeps coming to me though is seeing someone I know who recently had the surgery. She had more energy than I’ve ever seen. I want that energy. I have things to accomplish in this world and I don’t have the energy to do it. I want to do things that make a difference but I don’t have the energy to do it. You see- writing has helped because that’s an “ah ha” for me. That I want to make a difference is not the ah ha. It’s that having assistance in losing the weight that is sapping my energy will make a difference not only for me but for those I can then help. Oh- this is something to ponder further.
I have a physical on Thursday. I will discuss it with the doctor then. Much more to think about than when I started this entry.