Grief settles like a fine dust

Grief. It’s an odd looking word sitting there all by itself.  I find it to be a tricky emotion. Tricky in the sense that it infiltrates my being like a fine dust and I know there’s something covering me and irritating me but I can’t quite figure it out.  When the light shines just right I can see that fine film covering it all but when I look right on, it’s elusive.

I recently ended a relationship from which there would have seemed to be a need for a period of grief.  I seemed to breeze right through that phase of pain because it was over shadowed by a knowing that I’d done what I needed to do for a healthier me. No more hiding in a relationship that was not moving forward and was not what I ultimately wanted.  Onward!

Well, it took me about a month to realize I was grieving but instead of a full out onslaught of tears I’d crashed into a phase of immobility.  It was pervasive in my work outs, my business, my joy, and my over eating.  I could not see it for I was looking straight on and it appeared as though there was nothing wrong and no reason to feel so stopped in life.  Then the light would shine just right and I’d get a small ah ha that there was some grieving going on and then that light would disappear and immobility would resurface.  This went on for over a month until I was able to keep that light on the fact that I was grieving.

My life has been about moving on and burying my feelings and my grief.  If I don’t feel it, it will go away.  Apparently, this is what runs my brain.  However, that’s not true because I bury it- with food- and it’s always with me. Not only that, each time there is another hurt( or perceived hurt) it triggers all that have gone before it. It’s NOT  a conscious trigger.  It’s not as if I hit that first Domino and say- “ohhh, let’s watch this all come tumbling down”.  It’s silent like an electric current going through a line of Christmas tree lights. Plug in and they all light up. Each light represents a pain from the past.

So, I know I can’t take away past experiences. However, I can release the pain of them. I guess it’s like taking the bulb out of the string of lights. However, taking one bulb out in this case does not render the rest of the string incapable of working. In saying that, though, I think if I’m healing the brightest lights the rest of the lights won’t have as much power. Oh- I just got it’s like a pack animal thing. As you separate the pack, each individual has less power.  THAT is a powerful way to look at it for me. Disassemble the past pains and feel the current ones so they don’t become a bright bulb on my string of lights.

Ahhh- very good- thanks for listening.

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