You might be wondering about the title. This entry acknowledges that I don’t always listen to my little voice. I’m an on line dater. I have dated some really nice men and I’ve come across some whack-a-doos. Today I got an email from a man who wanted a friends with benefits relationship. I was not interested in that but just had to see a picture of the man who had such great things to say about me but I had no visual of him. To get his picture, he’d invited me into an IM conversation.
When I saw his picture, I have to admit he was attractive. As we were IMing, his conversation was on par with what he wanted and he was sharing with me his philosophy of relationships. My opinions were not the same so I was wrong and he felt entitled to tell me so. My little voice kept telling me to end this conversation but I did not listen. I’m not sure why I chose to play with that fire but it burnt me.
When he asked if I wanted to meet I said I no. We were looking for different things. Well, he proved that my little voice was right when he began to unleash a torrent of not so flattering things about fat people. I shut him down, deleted him but not before I saw the comment “so you can stick that up your fat ass”. Wow.
I have yet to get to the bottom of why this hurt so much and had me crying. I think it was two fold. 1) I was upset that I did not protect myself. I KNEW this was not a productive conversation and yet I chose to play. 2) I think it brought back all the teenage angst of being called fat and not fitting in. It drove up all my insecure thoughts. It was just amazing how fast that happen. Kaboom! Just like that it was in my face, my mind, my soul. I do wonder if it’s because I’m looking at all this now so it’s raw and that conversation was like pulling a scab off a wound.
Here’s the good news. As I headed down the hall to the kitchen to eat and stuff those feelings, I veered off because I was CLEAR food was not the answer. I was so focused on getting to that kitchen I’m sure the downstairs neighbors could hear me stomping down that hall! Instead, I cried and let myself feel what was there. I was upset with me for not listening to that voice and not protecting me. I forgave myself for not protecting me and put some precautions in place for emails from like minded men. No picture- no email to me. I’ve found it’s the men with no pictures who feel most at liberty to be rude. Is this the whole answer? No. There’s more work to be done.
This drove up other old “I’ll show you” conversations. One thought that came through was “I’m going to the gym right now”. Well, that didn’t happen but that kind of “I’ll show you” is prevalent for me. It’s a back ground conversation. It’s good for me to pull the curtain on it each time it rears its head. It’s like a vampire that needs to see the light and be extinguished. That conversation is dangerous because it’s an angry conversation. I don’t want to carry anger around anymore.
Oh the work there is to be done.