Food is my moderator. I’ve used it to bring me up or bring me down. I find that I’m uncomfortable with emotions that are too much in either direction. It’s funny because most people talk about using food when they are depressed. A few years ago I realized that I also use it when I’m feeling “high” about something in my life.
Today I had a great business day with a sense of success and accomplishment that I have not felt in quite some time. I was driving along and thinking “oh, I want some ice cream.” Then I asked myself, why? Are you hungry? The answer was “no”. I was able to talk myself out of it. I was not hungry but I was high on my current life experience and I was uncomfortable with that.
I am not sure if I’m uncomfortable with success or not. I do know that there is an old conversation (actually a young one- meaning it started at a young age) about the fact that I won’t be happy for long because something will come along to screw it up. Interesting. (Thanks for being here to read this because I’m putting this together as I type it.) I think by using the food I can bring myself down. I use it and then can be upset or angry at myself and then I’m in that not so happy place that I figured I’d wind up anyway. I get to CONTROL it. Oh, how I love control. I don’t like not knowing. By eating when I’m my mood is up, I can bring myself down at my pace rather than letting it run it’s course. Oh how brilliant this is- what a plan! This also allows me to disconnect from my emotions. Since I’m committed to feeling those emotions, choosing not to eat will be a step in that direction of allowance. I can see that this will be a muscle to develop. Bravo for me for not eating and riding this high to see how long it lasts!