I traveled recently and was sitting next to a woman on a plane and we started a great conversation about what we were up to in our lives. I was sharing with her about this blog and my journey with over eating. She asked if there was enough food when I was growing up or if I found myself “storing it for the future” by over eating when I could. That’s when it struck me that when I was in school, I qualified for the free lunch program. Now, do I remember not having enough food at home? No. Do I remember any conversations about their not being enough food? No. However, I do remember conversations about there not being enough money for things.
Since there are no clear memories at this time, I can only assume I made up conversations about there not being enough food and so I needed to make sure I’d eat when there was food, eat more than I needed and sneak to get it when I had some perception of it being withheld. I do know that as an adult I have internal conversations and thoughts about when my next meal will be when I’m eating my current one. I will have to note whether I find myself eating more if I’m not sure of when the next meal is or what it will be. This is uncharted territory because I had not thought about this until I started writing.
It’s quite clear, as a working adult, that I have the money to buy the food I need to survive so that is not an issue now. I want to start noticing when the little girl with the deprivation conversation decides to rule the roost. She needs to be comforted with something other than food and to know that there is enough and that I will take care of her. This “not enough” conversation is so very young but interestingly enough, it’s the young conversations that rule us until we notice them and “grow them up”.