It takes a village

I’ve been dabbling in my “knowing” connection to spirit guides for years.  I imagine it was between 15 and 18 years ago when I “found” Wendy- a psychic medium who became my connection to those who had passed.  She’s not only my connection but she’s become one of my guides and teachers on my journey.  I’ve done shamanic journeying. I became a Reiki master.  The healers I use personally are all connected to their spirits and work with them (acupuncture, massage, Reiki). I have a morning group that I’ve done accountability calls with 4 days a week for over four years.  The three folks in that group have all come into their own spirit connections over our time together.  It’s always been in all of us but our connection has brought it out of all of us. The life partner I have is trained in energy work and spirit connection.  I say this all because this week I realized that my life has been funneling me in this direction of surrounding me with people who will help me on my journey and help me decipher messages I might not get.  Here’s a recent example.

Two weeks ago I went to a Zulu Shamanic umbilini ceremony put together by my acupuncturist. It deserves a post all its own but that will come.  I was sharing this experience with my morning group and one of the members said “You now have a new animal spirit guide.  You need to meditate to connect. ”   I didn’t. I resist mediation.

This past Tuesday night I had an incredibly vivid dream that included a whole cast of people and events.  In one portion, however, I was hiding in a tree house that was only accessible by ladder.  I was in a huge bed and my sister was there and we were talking about how I would be able to escape my current situation.  Then I see the trunk of an elephant feeling around the floor of the entrance to the tree house. Through the entrance walks the elephant and it climbs into bed with me. I wrap my arms around it and as the elephant and I are both smiling broadly I say to my sister “take a picture!”  When I awoke from this dream, I remembered a ton of it but the elephant was the part that I felt was important. I’d planned to consult my dream interpretation book before I’d gone off for an appointment with my health kinesiologist.   but I didn’t have the time.

I got to Sue’s office agitated and incredibly emotional.  It was the 37th anniversary of my father’s death and I’m still grieving. (again, another post).  We did our work and as we were finishing I told her about the dream I tried to tie the elephant into the “memory” of my father.  Sue said “hmmm” as she whipped out her iPad and looked up Ganesha and shared with me about this Hindu deity.  He is the Lord of success and destroyer of evils and spiritual obstacles. He is also worshiped as the god of education, knowledge, wisdom and wealth. That morning we’d been working on some emotional obstacles.   In that moment, I got that THIS was the “animal” spirit connection I’d been told about. The one I was supposed to mediate to find.  Did I mention that Wendy, the medium, told me that my spirit guides were giving me dream messages because I wasn’t paying them mind during the day.

If you are following this? It’s like it takes  a village to raise my spiritual levels. This morning I meditated to Ganesha.  I immediately started to smell a sweet incense like aroma.  As I tried to focus on meditating, the smell wouldn’t leave. I smelled the blanket I had on me, my hands etc.  Nothing had that smell.  I rested my head again and it came to me that this was the smell I’d get when  Genesha was with me. I asked for confirmation that this was so. I got it and the smell disappeared.   It sure does take a village.

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I’m back

Two years.  It’s been two years since I’ve posted my words and thoughts and feelings.  It’s time to be back.

Life has changed in this time. I’ve come to another level of understanding of who I am; a healer. In finding my truth, I found space to let in love and a wonderful man.  Both of these have driven up opportunities for growth and healing.  Now I’m ready to share again and move to the next level. This blogging (or public journaling) has given me a way to heal even more and in healing me I heal those who read and follow.

When I look at the last two years, I see I’ve been filling my cup. I’ve done a variety of spiritual healings,  I’ve been working with crystals and cards and I’ve been tuning into the spirit world and my connections.  Yup. I’ve also been aware that I’m the same weight- or even a bit more.  So that journey is still there- no fear for those who had been following that onion peeling operation.  It’s just that I’m called for something more. In fact, as I was typing that sentence – I’m the same weight sentence- I heard a very loud chirping of a bird at my feeder right outside my door.  I turned to look and it was a sparrow and I heard “yup- that’s a common issue for many but you have something deeper to share”.

Yes, I’ve been tuning into those types of messages. I’ve been tuning into the messages of spirit world.  (I will say I often ignore the ones that come when I’m rooting through the cabinets for something to eat and I hear something drop in the kitchen or I fumble with something that suddenly gets slippery.  I don’t like THOSE messages.)  However, the message has been clear. It’s time for me to be back.  So here I am.  Let’s see what starts to unfold.

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Can’t VS. Don’t

Dinner at my mothers.  Need I say more?  That’s surely a way to kick up 48 years of conversation about food and this one didn’t fail to deliver.  About a month ago, I’d shared with my mother that I had not been eating dairy, gluten, sugar blah blah blah.   As we were waiting for the rest of the family to join us she said “so you can’t have wine then because it has sugar.”.  It was the second or third thing that she’d mentioned that I “couldn’t” have.  My response was that I could have wine and that it wasn’t that I couldn’t have any of the things I wasn’t eating it was that I was choosing not to eat them.  “That’s right. I have to be careful what I say to you.”   Ting… I felt the energy zip through my body on that one!  I took a deep breath.  “No, it’s not what you say. It’s what I say. If I tell my body it can’t have something, my body says “EF YOU!” and I run off into my restriction conversation.”   The conversation was left there because there was so much more to say but for the moment that was all I needed to say.

It’s had me thinking lately, though.  Can’t vs. don’t.  No choice vs. choice.  That word differentiation is so powerful!  I do have a choice each day,  each and every meal, each bite and in each moment.  I get to choose what I eat.

I have family members who don’t eat meat by choice.  I don’t remember the conversation about Thanksgiving dinner being “you can’t eat the turkey”.   What’s said is “you don’t eat the turkey”. Maybe can’t is used and I just don’t pay it mind because it’s not about my choice but I really don’t think so.  This 10 second conversation has created a hyper vigilance in my listening lately.  I find myself listening to see when people use the words “can’t” and “don’t”.  When do I use them?  When do I exert my power in choice vs. my submission to no choice.  Will I find myself more empowered as I gain facility around my word choices?  Is it just the word choices or the emotions attached to the words or the baggage attached to the speaker of  the words or is it D- all of the above?

What are you buzz words?  What words bring  you down the rabbit hole?  I’m not necessarily looking for an answer but giving you something to think about.

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My quiet mind

I’m 48 and reaching the 49 year mark.  I have no memories of my mind being quiet about food.  In fact, I don’t know if it ever has been.  My life and relationship to food has always been about what to eat, when to eat, when my next meal would be, if I should eat it, if I would be judged for eating it, if it was on my “plan”, if it was too much, the right thing- you get the picture.

If you’ve read my other entries, you know I’ve done a lot of healing in the past year and most of it has been in the realm of energy healing.  Six weeks ago, I went to see a Health Kinesiologist/ Energy healer to check my body for food sensitivity and allergies.  I heard what I surely didn’t want to hear.  I was sensitive to gluten, gluten free flours, sugar, chocolate, soy, corn, almonds, cashews, peanuts and dairy.  Yeah, I know what you are thinking. “What’s left?”.  That’s what I’ve been hearing from others for the last 6 weeks as I’ve taken this journey.

I left Sue’s office saying to her “I’ll see what I can do.”  Little did I know what I’d do is go cold turkey for the most part.  I had two days of grieving- and I mean crying and during that time obsession over what I could eat and couldn’t eat.  (That’s the old paradigm for me with a food plan. It’s the way I always operated with a “diet” or “food plan”.)  Then peace settled in at an amazing pace.  Sue had not only shared with me what to eliminate but she’d also done some energy balancing to support the new food choices.

I have never and I mean NEVER had such peace around food.  I actually spend time thinking about other things in my life rather than thinking about food.  I’m still in shock with the silence I have in my brain.  For those who have never experienced addiction or compulsion, you have NO idea what it’s like to have a constant stream of conversation about the substance of choice.  (especially if it’s one you need to live)  I never understood what it meant to have a silent mind about food.  I couldn’t understand people who said “well, just don’t eat it.”  Now, I understand. Now I’ve been in  that silence. Boy, does that silence sound amazing.  I sit here with tears welling up as I revel in this peace.  I always felt I was in a battle and now I know how much I was steeped in it.  It’s no wonder I can breathe deeper than I’ve ever been able to breathe before.

I’m sure you are wondering how can I reach this energy healer?  She does distance work as well as personal visits in her office in Lake Katrine.  No, I don’t get kick backs for referring her. I just feel as though I have to share her with you because to keep it to myself would be selfish and I have more peace in my life with food than I ever have- and that says a lot for 48 years.  I hope  you gain even a portion of the peace I’ve experienced.

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Birthing a new life

It’s been a little over nine months since I posted last.  That’s actually enough time to conceive and bear a child and I feel like I’ve birthed a new life in that time.  This blog started out about my journey with compulsive over eating and it still is about that.  However, I’ve come to realize that the journey with my compulsive behavior is actually a spiritual journey.

In the year thus far, I’ve done so many things on this path and the few that come to mind are meditation, Reiki, grand healings, cranial sacral massage, past life work, yoga, Monay-Ki, acupuncture, aura analysis, crystal bowl healing, ohm meditation and I’ve worked with a medium, health kinesiologist, soul astrologist and my growth partner.  It’s no wonder I feel as though I’ve birthed a new life.  (PS- let me just say I have always had an amazing life and for ME, it’s always been about the next level or layer.)

About two months ago, I shared with my growth partner that I’d become aware that I had a lot on this earth to do and it was important that I have the health to do it.  I believe my words were heard by the universe because major shifts started happening at that point.  Because there are so many things that have occurred, I can’t give them due justice in one post.  I’m writing this one to bridge the gap from “Journey of a Compulsive over eater” to the “Spiritual path of a compulsive over eater”  I haven’t yet decided if I’ll rename my blog.  I’m playing with it all.  I just know that I’ve been missing my writing and I know it’s also part of the journey.  I have moments of clarity when I put my words out in the world.  In fact, I hadn’t even thought of renaming my blog until I was writing this.  Let this newest life begin!

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I Stopped Breathing

As I was working in my office yesterday, I got a second notification for the day that someone was following my blog. (I’ve been getting them somewhat regularly now.)  Out of curiosity, I clicked on the link and there was a picture of a man I didn’t know.  “Who is this?”  “How did he find me?”  “How are these people finding me?”  I noticed I had stopped breathing.  I was holding my breath so I exhaled.

“Well” I thought to myself, “This is quite interesting” and I went on to ponder.  I wondered what had me stop breathing?  What had my chest feel tight?  Why was I reacting in such a way to seeing the picture of a man who was following my blog.  I felt the need to get away so I got up, got bundled up and went outside for a walk to figure this out.

I realized that when I started writing three years ago, it was to work through my experience before my lap band surgery. After I had the surgery it was to process what I’d chosen to do.  When I chose to take the liquid out of my band and face what I needed to face, I realized the words I was sharing were making a difference to the friends who were reading them.  Yes, I said friends.  At first, it was just friends who were reading the blog.  At times they passed it along to their friends but they were friends by association. And now we get to the crux of it.  There was safety in what I’d created.  If my friends didn’t agree with me, or didn’t like what I had to say they’d probably choose not to share it with me and so it was safe.

When I saw the picture of the unknown man, he represented all who have chosen to follow my blog that I don’t know.  He represented the possibility of critical words.  He represented uncertainty and thus vulnerability.  It was clear that’s what had me stop breathing.  Then I thought some more.

These folks have chosen to read my words and chosen to be notified when I post so obviously they want to hear what I have to say.  Crap. Crap. Crap.  The deeper level of concern surfaced.  I don’t want to be “the one”.  This is pressure to have to produce and make a difference.  “You are so funny!” I said to myself.  “Of course, you want to be the one!  You just wrote about how your work is people growth not personal growth.”  I took a deep breath then and I just took one as I wrote.  Yes, I will continue to share. Yes, I will have strangers choose to follow what I write.  Yes, I will make a difference.  And, yes, there will probably be times when people choose to disagree with what I write.  However, I must be building up to this because I’ve been writing for three years. It’s just now that I’m having this influx of followers.  It’s time.

Now- on to the biggest win of this writing.  Did you notice in the beginning, that I said I got up, bundled up and took a walk to think this over?  Did you notice that I didn’t go to the kitchen for comfort food?  When I realized I chose something different yesterday I had a little pep in my step as I walked the block.  It’s the little steps of celebration that bring the walls down and build me up.  And there’s another deep breath.

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People Growth vs. Personal Growth

I’m not really sure what I want to write about today but I feel compelled to put words to the screen.  Ah yes, relegated to memory are the days of pen to paper.  This journey I’ve been on has taken a twist here and a turn there.  I find myself enmeshed in a spiritual journey right now.  I guess my journey with compulsive over eating is a spiritual one as well.  I just find that the weight conversation has been pushed aside.  By no means do I feel comfortable in my physical body but I feel as though I’m on a different road that might, just might bring me to some peace with it all.

I’ve been receiving acupuncture and Reiki for about two years now and both have opened the energy in me and brought me to elevated states of spirituality and physicality.  I find that I’m much more in touch with both of them.  As I opened up, so did my opportunities. I’ve done yoga, I meditate- sometimes, I dream frequently and journal about it, I’ve done a Shamanic healing, a technique called disappearing discomfort and most recently I trained and became a Reiki master myself so that I can deliver Reiki.  With each step, I find myself digging and rooting around and putting pieces of this puzzle together. 

At times I wonder if I THINK about it all way too much!  Then there are times that I realize that’s why I’m here.  Just this past week I realized that one of the gifts I give this world is my willingness to dig and my willingness to share when I dig in the shit to find the treasures.  That’s what I’ve found for myself.  Yes, there are times when I find the treasures just walking along the proverbial beach but most times they are covered in dirt and need to be cleaned up to shine through.  I’ve been gifted with a willingness to do this and to pass along what I learn.

I guess that is what I wanted to affirm for myself tonight. I wanted to put it in writing that I became fully aware last week that all I do is not just for me.  I call it personal growth however it’s really people growth because I pass it along to others. Whether it’s in conversations, in writing of this blog or with my newly founded Reiki practice, my growth is your growth.  Hey. That’s cool!

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