Dropping the other shoe

It’s been a tough week. I actually hesitated over that word “tough” because it can cry victim but that’s not its intent.  I say tough because I feel like I’ve been in the dregs of it all so maybe uncomfortable is a better word for it.  Yes, it’s been an uncomfortable week.  It’s been a week of binges and realizing I binge on more than food.

I had Twinkies, mini peanut butter cups, chips and then 17 hours of TV in 2 days to start and finish a series on Netflix. All this binging either brought me into the dregs or I was there and the binging was keeping me there. I’m still not sure. What I do know is that it was uncomfortable.  I’m actually writing this in hopes of getting the “ah ha” of the past 6 days.

I know that I neutralize my highs with a low because I’ve yet to be able to maintain natural highs for long periods of time. I grew up waiting for the other shoe to drop so as an adult, I drop the shoe rather than wait for it. It’s just more predictable that way and at this point more comfortable.  So, perhaps this last week was about that- dropping the shoe after the amazing week I had before it.

I also know that I’m releasing a ton of shit.  I’m having vivid dreams and I know they are about releasing stuff and during my yoga class yesterday in a position that was stretching the left hip, I just started to cry.  It wasn’t a cry from pain. It was a cry from releasing something that’s been stuck there. I had the same experience in my yoga weekend.  I came away from the class wiped out.  I was a zombie yesterday and really didn’t do anything but sit and stare at all that needed to be done.  My house is a mess, my office is cluttered and I feel as though I’m wading through quicksand.  AND it’s all ok.. just so damn frustrating.

I’ve run my life from “if I know I’m ok. I can deal with anything.”.  This recovery stuff is about handing it over and not knowing.  Oh yeah- here it is. I know I hit it on the head because I just had a good cry.

Here’s what there is for me in this writing.  Hand it over and be open to the answers.  All week I was getting clues and I just wasn’t sure what to do with them.  I hope my next step is figuring the why for the binge before it’s even at the level of binge.  I guess it will be my next step if its meant to be my next step.  That’s all I have for this go around.